YOU CLIP IT, POINT, AND STRAIGHT UP,
YOU STUPID QUIFF.
IT WAS STRAIGHT UP, YOU FUCKHEAD,
JUST LIKE MY COCK FOR YOUR SLUTTY MOM.
HOLY FUCK, IT'S THE TRAILER PARK BOYS!
ARE YOU GUYS GONNA GET THE SHOW GOIN' AGAIN THIS YEAR?
NO, ACTUALLY, WE HAVE TWO BRAND NEW SHOWS WE'RE SHOOTIN'.
WELL, HOPEFULLY.
OH, YOU FUCKIN' SHARP LITTLE FUCKIN' SLUT!
FUCK YOU!
I SEE ANGER MANAGEMENT'S WORKIN' LIKE A CHARM, SMITH.
I QUIT FUCKIN' ANGER MANAGEMENT!
ACTUALLY, THAT FUCKIN' COUNSELLOR
WAS MAKIN' ME NUTS, THAT COCKSUCKER!
HEY, BOYS, HOW YOU DOIN'?
HEY, JOHNNY, HOW'S IT GOIN'?
- HEY, JOHNNY. - OH, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YA.
HEY, JOHNNY, HOW YOU DOIN', MAN?
OH, MAN, IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
THE FANS ARE STILL SO FASCINATED
WITH "TRAILER PARK BOYS", YOU HAVE NO IDEA!
WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT NEW SHIT.
YEAH, RIGHT. THEY'RE SWOOPIN' IN.
THEY'RE COMIN' FOR YOU, BUBBLES.
JOHN...
HEY, DO THE VOICE, BUBBLES, DO THE VOICE!
YOU'RE NOT JIM LAHEY ANYMORE.
YEAH, I KNOW, I'M JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU.
COME ON, BOYS,
WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT ALL YOUR NEW SHIT.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST GET THIS GOIN', JOHN.
ROBB AND I ARE GONNA HIT THE RACETRACK
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, OKAY?
OH, YEAH, RIGHT, UM...
LOOK, I READ THE STORY ABOUT YOU AND YOUR OLD MAN.
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, JP.
YEAH, IT FUCKIN' SUCKS, YOU KNOW.
HE WAS TRYING TO HANG ON LONG ENOUGH
TO DO ONE MORE RALLY WITH ME, AND HE JUST COULDN'T MAKE IT.
CANCER CAN GO FUCK ITSELF, BUD.
OH, UH, HEY, ROBB,
DO YOU MIND IF I TELL EVERYONE
THAT YOU'RE WORKIN' FOR A CIGARETTE COMPANY?
THE FAN'S WILL LOVE THE RICKY CONNECTION.
JOHN, WE CAN'T FUCKIN' TALK ABOUT "TRAILER PARK BOYS".
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED.
NO "TRAIL PARK BOYS" SHIT ON THE AIR.
HEY, NO PROBLEM.
WELCOME TO "ON THE ROCKS"!
I'M YOUR HOST, JOHN DUNSWORTH.
TODAY WE HAVE SOME VERY SPECIAL GUESTS
WHO NEED NO INTRODUCTION.
MIKE SMITH, JOHN PAUL TREMBLAY, ROBB WELLS!
RICKY, JULIAN AND BUBBLES FROM THE "TRAILER PARK BOYS"!
THE FUCK ARE YOU-?
WE JUST FUCKIN' TALKED ABOUT THIS.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
LISTEN, I HEAR YOU GUYS ARE WORKIN' ON SOME NEW PROJECTS.
I HEAR THEY'RE GREAT.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT.
WE'RE REALLY EXCITED TO BE MOVIN' ON,
DOIN' SOMETHING DIFFERENT. IT'S GREAT.
THE BIG QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND,
INCLUDING MINE, IS, UH,
DO YOU THINK WE'LL EVER DO ANY MORE EPISODES
OF THE "TRAILER PARK BOYS"?
- HOLY, FUCK. - FUCK THIS.
FUCK THIS, JOHN!
HEY, HEY, MIKE, HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR. RICKY?
WE CAN'T DO THIS. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED. WE SAID THAT.
HEY, HEY, RICKY!
- NICE GOIN', JOHN. - YEAH.
FUCKIN' TREE!
¶¶
FASTER, FASTER, FASTER!
OH, COME ON, SON, YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT!
YES, FASTER, FASTER!
OH, YEAH, OH, FUCK YEAH, JOHN PAUL, NICE DRIVIN'!
I THINK I'M GONNA BLOW A BIG LOAD
ALL OVER YOUR CHEST, SON! YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT!
ROBB, ROBB, DON'T MAKE MY DAD JERK HIMSELF OFF.
IT'S DISRESPECTFUL.
OH MY GOD, IT'S JUST A DOLL, YOU FUCKIN' FRUIT.
IT'S NOT JUST A DOLL.
MY DAD'S ASHES ARE IN THAT THING!
WHAT? YEAH.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT, MAN,
BEFORE I STARTED JERKIN' HIM OFF?
OH, I'M GONNA TELL YA I PUT MY DAD'S FUCKIN' ASHES IN A DOLL?
SORRY, MR. TREMBLAY, YOU WERE AN INCREDIBLE RACER.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO JACK YOUR BEAUTIFUL COCK.
- THAT'S ENOUGH! - PUNCH IT!
- GO, ROBB, GO! GO! - OH YEAH!
ARE THESE GUYS EVER GONNA GROW UP?
- OH, I HOPE NOT! - GO, BABY, GO!
NICE RUNNIN', BABY!
YOU SHAVE OFF 11 SECONDS OF TIME!
- FUCKIN' WOMEN!
OH MY GOD, THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!
DADDY'S GONNA KICK SOME ASS NEXT WEEK, YOU LITTLE ALIEN!
- OH... - BABY.
THANKS FOR LETTIN' ME DO THIS, BABE, YOU'RE FUCKIN' AWESOME.
OH, ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE TO GO TO THAT MEETING,
'CAUSE I WANT THIS INSIDE OF ME RIGHT NOW.
OH, JESUS, YOU'RE MAKIN' ME HARD.
- I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU. - OH, I LOVE YOU MORE.
HEY, THAT'S NOT NICE.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, I LOVE YOU SAME THEN!
I NEED YOU TO RUN SOME ERRANDS.
YOU CAN PICK UP THAT PAINT I ORDERED ON YOUR WAY HOME.
- SURE. - GOTTA GO, BUD.
- LET'S MOVE IT! - GONNA BE LATE!
I LOVE YOU?!
SORRY, I LOVE YOU TOO.
- GIVE ME THOSE LIPS. - OH, THE PAINT!
DAD'S IN THE CAR, OKAY?
OH, DON'T WORRY! I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM!
FUCK, I LOVE YOU!
OH, IT'S SO EXCITING!
THE THREE BOYS ON THE TV AGAIN! OH MY GOODNESS!
I JUST WISH MIKE WASN'T INVOLVED.
HE'S SUCH A FUCKIN' IDIOT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THEY'RE ON THE SAME TEAM, JULIE!
DIDN'T SHE JUST PAINT THE ENTIRE FUCKIN' HOUSE
LIKE A MONTH AGO?
YUP, SHE'S BORED WITH THE COLOURS, MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOMEN ARE LIKE.
NO, MAN, THAT'S INSANE.
IT WAS ONLY 1200 BUCKS.
1200 BUCKS?! JESUS CHRIST, MAN!
YOU'RE MAKING THAT MUCH MONEY SELLING HALF-SIZED CIGARETTES?
FUCK!
WELL, IT'LL KEEP HER DISTRACTED WHILE WE'RE RACIN' NEXT WEEK.
YEAH, THANKS FOR FILLIN' IN FOR THE OLD MAN, BUD.
FUCK, MAN, OF COURSE.
SORRY AGAIN FOR MAKING YOUR DAD JACK HIMSELF OFF
AND SAY HE WAS GONNA BLOW LOADS ALL OVER YOUR TITS.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS ACTUALLY HIM INSIDE.
AH, IT'S COOL, MAN. I SHOULDA TOLD YA.
YEAH, YOU SHOULD HAVE.
OH MY FUCK!
IS THAT SMITH GETTIN' LOADED INTO AN AMBULANCE?!
- NOPE, THAT'S CONFORTI.
I TOLD YOU THAT WAS TOO MUCH YOU STUPID FUCK SPLINT!
- I CAN FLY! - I CAN FUCKIN' FLY!
YOU CAN'T FUCKIN' FLY!
CALL ME LATER WHEN YOU COME DOWN.
IT'S GONNA BE A FUCKIN' CRAZY ONE TONIGHT, MAN.
WHAT'S UP YOU PUSSY WHIPPED SHITBLASTERS? AH!
JESUS CHRIST, SMITH, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!
PARTY GOT A LITTLE OUTTA HAND, NOTHIN' MAJOR, BABY.
DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THIS MORNING THERE, MOOSE CLIT?
I'M FUCKIN' 100 PERCENT, BOYS, READY TO FUCKIN' ROCK.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GONNA HAVE A CRAZY NIGHT.
IT WASN'T THAT CRAZY OF A FUCKIN' NIGHT, MAN.
MIKE! MIKE!
WE CAN'T GET THE WHISKEY BOTTLE OUT OF PATRICK'S ASS
AND HE'S FREAKIN' OUT!
IT'S RIGHT UP IN HIS ASS!
IT'S REALLY FUCKIN' UP THERE.
WE SHOULD REALLY CALL AN AMBULANCE.
NO, WE'RE NOT CALLIN' ANY MORE FUCKIN' AMBULANCES!
JESUS CHRIST!
PAT DROVE THE FUCKING THING UP THERE,
HE CAN GET IT OUT HIMSELF! I'M SORRY.
NO MORE AMBULANCES, MY LITTLE TITS OUT COOKOO BIRD.
AH, RIGHT ON, ROBBIE BOY!
FUCK OFF, SMITH.
HALF THE LENGTH, TWICE THE FLAVOUR,
JUST LIKE YOUR COCK.
WOULD YOU GET IN THE FUCKIN' VAN?
WE'RE LATE! COME ON!
YOU'VE GOT SERIOUS, SERIOUS FUCKIN' PROBLEMS.
- KEEP THIS PARTY GOIN'!
BOYS, I FUCKED EVERY ONE OF THEM.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW, SMITH, 30 NIGHTS IN A ROW?
NO FUCKIN' IDEA, BUD.
SO PAT'S DRIVING LIQUOR BOTTLES UP HIS ASS AGAIN, IS HE?
YEAH, EXCEPT HE'S UPGRADED TO 40-OUNCERS NOW.
MAN, YOU CAN'T BE CRASHIN' AT PAT'S HOUSE FOREVER.
ONE OF YOU GUYS IS GONNA FUCKIN' DIE.
I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO AFFORD A FUCKIN' PLACE, FUCKTITS,
LIQUOR'S EXPENSIVE, MAN.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA CHILL OUT FOR A BIT?
I HAVE!
FUCK, I WAS CELEBRATIN', YA LOCKED UP GOD DAMN NERDS,
YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.
NO, YOU SHOULD TRY TAKING
"GOIN' TO FUCKIN' MEET THE NETWORK
TO FIND OUT WHAT OUR FATE IS" SERIOUS SOMETIME.
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO GUARANTEE
THEY'RE GONNA GREEN LIGHT THIS SHIT, YOU DRUNK FUCK!
ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME? WE'RE FUCKIN' ICONS, BOYS.
WE DID ALL THEIR NOTES. WE KISSED THEIR FUCKIN' ASSES!
YOU'RE FUCKED.
WELL, YOU BETTER TRY TO SOBER UP
AND GET YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD IN THE GAME FOR THIS MEETING!
OKAY, JUST SO WE'RE FUCKIN' CLEAR HERE,
I KNOW WHAT'S ON THE LINE, BOYS.
I'M FUCKIN' TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY.
ALL RIGHT, MAN.
HI, THERE, MY NAME'S DAVID. I DON'T WEAR PANTS
AND I WAS THINKIN' SINCE MY COCK'S ALREADY OUT
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO TAKE AND LITTLE SUCK OFF?
JESUS CHRIST, SMITH!
YOUR FUCKIN' BREATH SMELLS LIKE DRUNK SHAMU
JUST DUMPED A BIG WHALE LOAD IN YOUR MOUTH, MAN, FUCK!
COME ON, IT'S JUST A LITTLE TINY PENIS.
WHY DON'T YOU FINGER MY LITTLE TIGHT HOLE.
GET YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS OFF ME, SMITH!
FINGER MY LITTLE HOLE!
TONGUE MY HOLE!
SMITH, WOULD YOU SMARTEN THE FUCK UP
AND GET SERIOUS HERE, MAN?
- EXPENSIVE STATUE! - GUYS, MARBLE.
GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS!
HOW YOU DOIN'?
- IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU TOO. - HOW WAS THE FLIGHT?
- IT WAS WONDERFUL! - GOOD.
YEAH, FIRST CLASS, EASY PEESY, LEMON SQUEEZY...
GOOD, STEPHAN.
THAT'S GREAT, THANK YOU.
SO, GUYS,
THIS IS QUITE A SELECTION YOU'VE GOT HERE FOR US TODAY.
"TRANS-AM HANDYMAN"
AND "COOKING 'N WORKING OUT WITH MAMA KUNT". WOW.
WE'VE GOT FULL SEASONS MAPPED OUT FOR BOTH OF 'EM.
WE CAN START SHOOTING WHENEVER YOU GUYS WANT.
STRAIGHT UP, GUYS,
WE CAN'T DO A SHOW ON OUR NETWORK
WITH THE WORD "CUNT" IN THE TITLE.
SORRY.
NO IT'S CUNT- IT'S CUNT WITH A "K".
IT'S STILL THE WORD CUNT THOUGH, MIKE, ISN'T IT?
IT COULD BE A FUNNY CONCEPT.
WHAT IF WE CALLED HER UH... "MAMA KRAZY"?
OR HOW ABOUT "MAMA KOOKY"?
'CAUSE HER NAME IS MAMA KUNT.
NOT ON OUR NETWORK IT'S NOT.
OKAY, WELL YOUR NETWORK IS ONE LETTER AWAY
FROM BEING CUNT ANYWAY,
SO WHAT THE FUCK'S THE DIFFERENCE?
THAT ONE LETTER MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE, MIKE.
IT'S JUST THE KIND OF WORD
THAT MAKES A LOT OF PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE.
IT DOES.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO AUSTRALIA OR IRELAND?
THEY CALL SANDWICHES CUNTS OVER THERE.
THEY DO.
LIKE WE SAID BEFORE, GUYS,
IF YOU'RE WILLING TO DO
ANOTHER TONED DOWN VERSION OF "TRAILER PARK BOYS",
THEN OUR NETWORK WILL CERTAINLY LISTEN.
- WE CAN'T! - WE TOLD YOU THAT.
THE PRODUCERS OWN THE RIGHTS. THEY DON'T WANNA DO IT. JESUS!
IT'S NOT LIKE IT USED TO BE, GUYS.
EVEN IF YOU WERE WILLING TO DO MORE "TRAILER PARK BOYS",
THE NEW CNT GUIDELINES
WOULD RESTRICT YOU TO TWO 'FUCKS', TWO 'COCKS',
AND FOUR 'SHITS' PER EPISODE.
WELL, WHY DON'T WE CUT BACK ON THE SHITS MAYBE,
ADD A COUPLE MORE FUCKS, YOU KNOW,
AND THEN EVERYBODY'LL BE HAPPY.
UH, IT DOESN'T REALLY WORK LIKE THAT.
THIS ISN'T THE HALIFAX SWAP SHOP.
- NO, I'M SORRY, GUYS. - CNT JUST ISN'T COMFORTABLE
TAKING THAT KIND OF RISK RIGHT NOW.
CHRIST, SO IT'S AN UNEQUIVOCAL "NO" THEN?
YES...
IT'S A NO.
UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING TO COMPROMISE ON CONTENT.
WELL WE DON'T FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD HAVE TO.
THAT'S THE WAY WE TALK.
THAT'S THE WAY EVERYBODY FUCKIN' TALKS.
PEOPLE SWEAR!
NO, IT'S NOT. NOT REALLY, NO. I DON'T.
I JUST WANNA KNOW, SERIOUSLY,
ARE YOU BOTH FUCKIN' RETARDED?
UH, EXCUSE ME?
THERE'S NO REASON TO GET ANGRY HERE, MIKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU GUYS!
FUCK YOU BOTH! WE DON'T FUCKIN' NEED YA!
OH GOSH, MIKE, BUT YOU DO.
FUCK OFF, STEPHAN, YOU CONDESCENDING LITTLE FUCK.
I'LL SLAP THAT FUCKIN' PRISON PUSSY RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!
SLAP IT OFF?
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHAVE IT OFF
WITH YOUR RAZOR SHARP WIT?
YOU NEED TO TAKE A FUCKIN' BIG HYDRAULIC SUCK
ON MY SHIT PIPE, FUCK TEETH!
- WOW. - OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.
YOU OBVIOUSLY DRUNK OR STONED OR BOTH.
CAN SOMEONE CALL SECURITY PLEASE?
- FUCK, OOH I'M CALLIN' SECURITY! - FUCK OFF.
I'VE GOT THREE WASHED UP ONE HIT WONDERS
WHO NEED TO LEAVE THE BUILDING IMMEDIATELY.
FUCK! NO!
FUCK NO!
OH FUCK!
TODAY WE'RE GONNA BE MAKING SOME GOOD OLD
CLASSIC SHEPHARDS PIE.
ALL RIGHT, SO LOTS OF GROUND BEEF?
LOTS OF GROUND BEEF, SOME GARLIC...
DO YOU MIND CRUSHING THE GARLIC FOR ME?
I'LL DO THE GARLIC, THAT'S FINE.
THEN WE'RE GONNA PUT IT INTO THE PAN WITH SOME OIL...
YOU ONE HIT WONDER, YOU MACKERAL!
- WILL YOU SHUT UP! - SHUT THE UP, SMITH!
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
- OW! - AH!
AW!
FUCKIN' SMITH! SHIT!
OH, YEAH, TAKE THE WHOLE THING, JEREMY.
OPEN WIDE, BOY!
WELL, THAT JUST PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED
I'LL BE WORKING AT 50'S FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
THANKS, YOU FUCKIN' LUNATIC!
YOU CAN'T BE BURNIN' BRIDGES LIKE THAT, MAN.
AW, FUCK OFF.
I CAN'T FUCKIN' DEAL WITH NETWORKS DOIN' THAT, BOYS.
WE DON'T FUCKIN' NEED THEM! WE CAN DO SHIT ON THE INTERNET.
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT CAREER, SMITH.
40-YEAR-OLD OUT OF WORK FUCKIN' ACTOR,
SELLING BULLSHIT FUCKIN' REAL ESTATE,
POSTING VIDEOS ON SHITTUBE. NICE!
I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT FUCKIN' LAMETUBE.
I MEAN, OUR OWN FUCKIN' NETWORK.
YEAH, PEOPLE'LL ARE GONNA FUCKIN' PAY YOU
TO WATCH YOU SWEAR AND JACK YOUR MINIATURE COCK OFF.
YEAH, THEY WOULD,
ALL OVER YOUR MOTHER'S BIG SLOPPY HORRIBLE TITS.
THINK ABOUT THIS THOUGH, BOYS.
WE'VE GOT FUCKIN' DIRECT ACCESS
TO OVER A MILLION PEOPLE ON OUR FAN SITES.
WE GET 10,000 OF THEM EVEN TO PAY FIVE BUCKS A MONTH,
THAT'S FIFTY FUCKIN' GRAND A MONTH!
JESUS CHRIST, MAN, WHAT IF A 100,000 DID?
THAT'D SIX MILLION BUCKS A YEAR.
IMAGINE THE SHIT WE COULD SHOOT WITH THAT KINDA MONEY.
FUCK MY TITS, BOYS!
I WOULD FUCK YOUR TITS FOR THAT MUCH MONEY.
SO WOULD I.
GOD, CAN YOU IMAGINE?
I'D JUST BE PRANCIN' AROUND GIGGLIN', TICKLIN' YOU GUYS.
THIS COULD BE FUCKIN' HUGE, BOYS.
OUR OWN FUCKIN' NETWORK DOIN' WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT.
SWEARNET.
SWEARNET. I FUCKIN' LIKE THAT. IT MADE MY BALLS TINGLE.
SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M TRYIN' TO CUM!
FUCK OFF.
LET'S TAKE OUR FUCKIN' BALLS
AND CRADLE THEN ON THE TIPS OF OUR COCKS
AND GET THIS FUCKIN' THING LIT RIGHT NOW.
LET'S DO THIS.
SMITH, WELLS, TREMBLAY, YOUR RIDE'S HERE,
AND SHE IS SOME PISSED.
OH, JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST!
I NOTICED YOU PICKED UP THE PAINT, THANKS A LOT.
I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE
WITH YOU IN JAIL, DID I, ROBB?
THOSE LOOK LIKE REALLY, REALLY BEAUTIFUL COLOURS, JULIE.
FUCK, THAT IS A LOT OF PAINT!
DIDN'T YOU JUST PAINT THE WHOLE HOUSE
LIKE A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, JULIE?
IT'S GONNA LOOK FUCKIN' GOOD THOUGH,
THAT'S THE DESIGNER SHIT.
THAT'S LIKE SIXTY BUCKS A CAN, ISN'T IT?
IT'S THE BEST.
AH, FUCK, I WISH I HAD UNLIMITED AMOUNTS OF MONEY
TO BLOW EVERY MONTH ON MY HOBBY.
SMITH, JULIE TOOK COURSES.
SHE'S A PROFESSIONAL INTERIOR DECORATOR.
OH, NO, I KNOW THAT, I JUST MEAN, YOU KNOW,
USUALLY PROFESSIONAL, BY DEFINITION,
MEANS THAT YOU GET PAID TO DO IT, THAT'S ALL.
SO, MIKE, I HEARD YOU QUIT ANGER MANAGEMENT, DID YOU?
NO, ACTUALLY. WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
ROBB, YOU SHOULD TELL JULIE ABOUT THE INTERNET CHANNEL
WE'RE STARTIN', BUD.
WE'RE STARTIN' AN INTERNET CHANNEL, JULIE.
ROB'S GONNA BE QUITTIN' HIS JOB,
WE'RE GONNA BE SWEARIN' OUR FUCKIN' HEADS OFF
ON THE INTERNET.
WELL, THAT'S... WE'RE JUST TALKIN' ABOUT IT.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANNA BET
THAT ROBB WON'T EVEN BE SEEING YOU AFTER TODAY, MICHAEL?
I'D GO ALL FUCKIN' IN ON THAT, JULIE.
MIKE, PLEASE JUST STOP IT!
WHAT? I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE CONVERSATION!
WE'RE HAVIN' A NICE DRIVE HERE.
SO, JULIE, ARE YOU, UH,
GONNA GO SEE THE SEBASTIAN BACH CONCERT NEXT WEEK?
- MIKE, THAT'S ENOUGH. - WHAT?!
I'M JUST SAYIN' HE'S A FUCKIN' WONDERFUL ENTERTAINER.
HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL FLAXEN GOLDEN HAIR DOWN HIS BACK.
TIGHT PANTS STRETCHED OVER HIS WANK.
SOME PEOPLE MIGHT EVEN GO SO FAR AS TO SAY
PARTS OF HIS BODY ARE IRRESISTIBLE.
MICHAEL, WE ALL KNOW EXACTLY WHY
I'M NOT GOING TO SEE SEBASTIAN.
YEAH, WHY WAS THAT? I CAN'T REMEMBER.
OH, YEAH,
'CAUSE YOU CONVENIENTLY BROKE UP WITH ROBB FOR AN HOUR
AND THOUGHT IT WAS FAIR GAME
TO SUCK A ROCK STAR'S SWEATY STAGE COCK
IN A PISS-DRIZZLED PORTA-SHITTER!
JESUS CHRIST!
- GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY CAR!
YOU'RE A FUCKIN' PSYCHO.
FUCK YOU.
- SEE YOU LATER, ROBB. - CRAZY FUCKIN' BITCH.
HOLY FUCK HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT SHIT!
YOU'RE PAYIN' FOR THE FUCKING CAB,
YOU FUCKIN' SHIT DISTURBER.
FUCK OFF.
SHE ALMOST BROKE MY FUCKIN' NECK.
- SMITH, THIS LOOKS FUCKED! - IT'S RINKY-DINK, MAN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU GRID THE FUCKING THING OFF?
WHY DIDN'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF?
MAN, WE NEED BETTER GEAR.
NO SHIT.
CONFORTI KNOWS A GUY THAT FUCKIN' LOANS PEOPLE MONEY.
PINCHBECK. OWNS A BUNCH OF CARNIVALS OVERSEAS.
HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE- FUCKIN' LITTLE SLUT!
FUCKIN' COCKSUCKIN' FUCKIN' ANTS!
AW FUCK!
QUITE A HEFTY LIMP YOU GOT THERE, PAT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YA?
I DON'T REALLY KNOW, BUT MY ASS IS BURNING!
I DO STUPID STUFF WHEN I'M DRUNK.
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!
- REALLY? - REALLY.
HERE, CHECK THIS OUT, SMITH.
WELCOME TO SWEARNET.
NO FUCKIN' REGULATIONS, NO FUCKIN' RULES!
JUST REAL PEOPLE TALKIN' REAL. FUCK OFF.
- NICE! - GOOD JOB, BUDDY.
THAT'S FUCKIN' PERFECT, MAN.
I'M GONNA FUCKIN' SNAP.
NICE WORK TODAY, SMITH!
I JUST GOT FUCKIN' FIRED BECAUSE OF YOU!
SORRY, MAN, FUCK.
AT LEAST THE WORKIN' FOR 50'S
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE THING'S SOLVED.
FUCKIN' DICK. LET'S DO THIS.
I TOLD JULIE I'M PLAYIN' HOCKEY.
I GOT 45 MINUTES TOPS.
45 FUCKIN' MINUTES?!
FUCK SAKES.
GOOD EVENING, WELCOME TO FUCKIN' SWEARNET'S
NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORTS. I'M MIKE SMITH.
(R I'M JOHN PAUL TREMBLAY. AND I'M ROBB WELLS.
HERE'S WHAT'S
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES FUCKED UP BIG TIME TODAY
WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA.
ACTRESS LINDSAY LOHAN GOT DRUNK
AND WAS FUCKIN' WHORING IT UP IN ANOTHER L.A. NIGHTCLUB.
PLUS WE HAVE TODAY'S EXCITING SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS
THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCKIN' MISS.
BUT FIRST, LET'S BRING YOU UP TO DATE
ON THAT BIG, DIRTY, COCKSUCKER OF A STORM, HURRICANE EVAN.
PAT ROACH, SWEARNET'S OWN SEXY METEOROLOGIST, HAS MORE.
TAKE IT AWAY, SEXY.
SEXY? THANKS A LOT, GUYS!
HURRICANE EVAN,
THE FUCKIN' ASSHOLE IS NOT FUCKIN' AROUND!
SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LISTEN TO THE WEATHERMAN
AND HAVEN'T EVACUATED YOUR HOMES YET,
GET THE FUCK OUT!
'CAUSE THIS DIRTY COCKSUCKER'S GOT A FUCKIN' OPPORTUNITY
TO FUCKING KILL YOU!
YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DIE, DIE, DIE!
SO GET THE FUCK OUT! TAKE A FUCKIN' TRIP!
GO TO QUEBEC! HAVE SOME POUTINE.
- YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT! - FUCK.
PAT, GET THE CAMERA OFF THE TRIPOD.
NO WAY, SMITH, NOT THIS STUFF!
- FUCK YOU. - I'M SERIOUS, MAN!
AW, EVERYTHING'S CONTENT, BUD.
YOU ARE SO NOT AT HOCKEY, YOU LYIN' FUCK!
YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE
EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY, ROBB?
I WATCH YOU LIKE A FUCKING HAWK!
JULES, PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN-
DON'T FUCKIN' TELL ME...
HI, THERE, WELCOME TO A BRAND
"I'M A CRAZY CUNT
AND MY FUCKIN' EYES ARE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER".
LET'S OBSERVE THIS CRAZY BITCH IN HER NATURAL HABITAT.
WHY, WHY, WHY?!
YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU WOULDN'T SEE MIKE ANYMORE!
- PLEASE, ROBB! - I'M SORRY.
CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS AT HOME?
NO, I DON'T WANT TO FUCKIN' TALK ABOUT IT AT HOME!
I'M WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS
AND WE'RE GONNA FUCKIN' DEAL WITH IT!
IS THAT CHICKEN?!
I DIDN'T EAT ANY.
- YES, YOU DID. - I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR BEARD,
AND YOU CAN'T 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON A FUCKING DIET!
- HE'S A GROWN MAN, JULIE. - NO, HE'S NOT!
GET IT THE FUCKIN' TRUCK RIGHT NOW
BEFORE I BREAK YOUR DICK!
GET IN THE PASSENGER SEAT I'M DRIVING!
WOW, CRAZY AS A SHIT HOUSE RAT, FOLKS!
NOTICE HOW TOO CLOSE HER EYES ARE TOGETHER, JOHN.
IT'S JUST LIKE YOU WANT TAKE 'EM AND GO "BINK" ALL FIXED.
NO COMMENT.
- ALL FIXED. - NO COMMENT.
I'M STAY OUT OF IT, MAN.
ARE HER EYES TOO CLOSE TOGETHER OR NOT?
I HAD NOTHIN' TO DO WITH THIS, JULIE, I'M SORRY.
- YOU'RE A FUCKIN' PUSSY. - YOU ARE FUCKED, JULIE!
WHERE THE FUCK'D YOU GET THIS CHICKEN?
CHICKEN PALACE.
MMM.
1, 2, 3.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
1, 2, 3.
MAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA PULL OFF THIS SWEARNET SHIT.
JULIE BASICALLY SAID IT'S HER OR MIKE.
THE FACT THAT SHE'S EVEN PUTTIN' YOU IN THAT POSITION
IS FUCKED!
YOU GOTTA DO THIS WITH US, MAN.
WE CAN'T BREAK UP THE TEAM, BUD.
HEY, SWEETIE.
SMITH UPLOADED OUR FIGHT LAST NIGHT, ROBB.
IT'S A SHOW ON YOUR STUPID LITTLE FUCKING NETWORK
AND I'M THE FUCKING STAR!
JESUS CHRIST!
OH YEAH.
I'M THE CRAZY CUNT WHO'S EYES ARE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER!
- THAT'S CRAZY. - I LOVE YOUR EYES.
THEY WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IS SEEING THIS SHIT!
I'M CALLIN' THAT ASSHOLE RIGHT NOW!
MOTHERFUCKER!
SMITH, RIGHT?
- AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF. - SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SIGN HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
AND INITIAL HERE.
INITIAL HERE.
MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME, UH, YEAH, THERE.
OKAY.
AND YOUR BLOOD TYPE.
BLOOD TYPE?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED MY BLOOD TYPE FOR?
AB POSITIVE.
PERFECT, ALL DONE.
THAT WAS PAINLESS.
SO, THANKS VERY MUCH, MR. PINCHBECK.
LIKE I SAID, YOU KNOW,
I DOUBT IT'S GONNA TAKE THE WHOLE TERM TO PAY YOU BACK.
LET'S LOOK AT IT LIKE YOU PAY ME AS IT COMES IN.
SOUNDS GOOD.
- SMITH, YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER! - WHAT?!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKIN', MAN?
MR. WELLS, MR. TREMBLAY.
SO NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH. I'M MR. PINCHBECK.
AND THIS IS MY HALF-BROTHER LOGI.
HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING MORE SATISFYING FOR ME
THAN INVESTING IN PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE JUST STARTING OUT
AND WATCHING THEM BECOME A SUCCESS.
OH, I HAD FANTASIES
ABOUT THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS YEARS AGO,
AND NOW I THINK I MIGHT BE IN IT.
OKAY.
ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL?
SURE, YEAH, WE SHOULD DEFINITELY STAY IN TOUCH.
AND WE WILL.
- ARE YOU FUCKED?! - WHAT?!
HOW COULD YOU UPLOAD THAT SHIT, MAN?!
YOU MADE JULIE LOOK LIKE SHE'S NUTS!
SHE IS! I'M SORRY!
PEOPLE FUCKIN' LOVED IT THOUGH, MAN.
WE GOT A FUCKIN' 1000 MEMBERSHIPS!
WHAT? THAT'S PREETY GOOD, ISN'T IT?
PRETTY GOOD? THAT'S 5000 FUCKIN' BUCKS!
NO SHIT.
MIKE YEAH, NO SHIT. BOYS, I'M TELLIN' YA
IT'S TIME TO GET ON THE FUCKIN SWEARNET SHIP
OR ROW THE FUCK ASHORE IN YOUR FUCKIN' WHORE DORIES,
I'VE BEEN WORKIN' MY CUNT TO THE BONE ALL FUCKIN' DAY,
SETTIN' SHIT UP,
AND IT'S GONNA BE FUCKIN' AMAZING!
AND NOW WE GOT THE FUCKIN' MONEY TO DO IT!
YOU BORROWED MONEY OFF THOSE FUCKIN' LOAN SHARKS?
A BIT, YEAH,
BUT I MEAN, FUCK, ENOUGH TO GET EQUIPMENT
AND GET START SHIT FUCKIN' PROPERLY.
THIS IS GOIN' DOWN RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, BOYS,
WITH OR WITHOUT YOU GUYS. ARE YOU IN OR OUT?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WE'RE A TEAM FOR FUCK SAKES!
I AGREE. WE ARE A TEAM, AN UNSTOPPABLE FUCKIN' TEAM.
SO LET'S DO THIS AS A TEAM, NO DISTRACTIONS.
DID YOU TELL JULIE YOU'RE FIRED YET?
FUCK NO, ARE YOU CRAZY?
ALL RIGHT, ACTUALLY THAT'S PERFECT.
TELL HER YOU'RE GOIN' AWAY ON BUSINESS FOR A WEEK.
WE CAN'T GO AWAY FOR A WEEK, MAN,
WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKIN' RACE?
NO, SHOOTING THE RACE IS PART OF THE MASTER PLAN.
TRUST ME.
SO PACK YOUR FUCKIN' PROTEIN BARS, YOUR AMINO ACIDS,
WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE THAT,
WE'RE GOIN' ON A LITTLE TRIP.
WHAT IF I GET CAUGHT?
WOULD YOU FUCK OFF, YOU PUSSY!
AW, FUCK, BOYS, LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.
THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME.
HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
MAN, I AM NOT GONNA GET AWAY WITH THIS!
WE GOTTA GET CHECKED THE FUCK IN QUICK!
HOLY FUCK, YOU ARE FASCINATING.
SMITH, JUYST TURN OFF THE FUCKING CAMERA,
AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE SHOOTING US 24 HOURS A DAY,
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT.
I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS GET THE FUCKIN' CONCEPT
OF SWEARNET HERE, BOYS.
EVERYTHING IS FUCKIN' CONTENT.
WE'RE NOT JUST SHOOTIN' NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORTS.
THAT'S LAME AS SHIT.
WE NEED FUCKIN' DRAMA!
SMITH, SHUT THE FUCK UP! LISTEN TO ME!
JULIE COULD BE LURKIN' AROUND ANY ONE OF THESE CORNERS!
OH, JULIE, COULD BE LURKING AROUND ANYONE OF THESE COR-
YOU CANDY COATED PISS GUSSLER.
WHY THE FUCK WOULD JULIE BE IN THE LOBBY
OF A HOTEL IN DOWNTOWN FUCKIN' HALIFAX?!
THAT'S BULLSHIT!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GAVE MY FUCKIN' ROOM AWAY?!
THAT'S SEBASTIAN FUCKIN' BACH!
OKAY, FORGET WHAT I SAID BEFORE.
THERE'S A REALLY GOOD CHANCE JULIE COULD BE HERE.
WELL, YOU WILL FIND MY RESERVATION RIGHT NOW
OR I'M GONNA BOUNCE THIS BOTTLE OF WHISKEY
RIGHT OFF THE SIDE OF YOUR FUCKIN' LID!
SIR, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CHECK-IN TWO DAYS AGO.
HI, THERE, WELCOME TO "HOTEL FUCK AROUNDS" HERE ON SWEARNET.
WE HAVE A SITUATION UNFOLDING WITH SEBASTIAN FUCKIN' BACH!
I WAS RIDING A FERRY ACROSS THE TRANQUIL WATERS
OF THE BAY OF FUCKIN' FUNDY, DUMMY!
EXCUSE ME, SEBASTIAN BACH?
SWEARNET'S "HOTEL FUCK AROUNDS".
CAN YOU TELL US THE SITUATION UNFOLDING?
YES, I CAN TELL YOU THE FUCKIN' SITUATION!
I RENTED A ROOM IN THIS DUMP
AND THIS CLOWN ASS DINK HAS GIVEN IT AWAY
BECAUSE I'M JUST LATE LIKE TWO DAYS?!
JESUS CHRIST!
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUCKIN' BULLSHIT TO ME, DUDE.
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS A REAL FUCK AROUND.
AND AS FAR AS THIS HOTEL GOES?
WHY DON'T YOU ALL SUCK MY RIG!
AND CUT.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS, GET READY TO BUTTER YOUR TITS.
JESUS CHRIST!
OH MAN!
THIS IS FUCKIN' AWESOME, MAN!
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT.
THIS IS FUCKIN' AMAZING!
YOU GUYS READY FOR SURPRISE NUMBER ONE?
BOYS, YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY RACING FOR TEAM SWEARNET.
HOLY SHIT!
THOSE ARE FUCKIN' BADASS!
I WANNA SHOOT A WHOLE FUCKIN' SEGMENT CALLED "RACE DICKS".
IF THINK IF WE MAKE IT CRAZY ENOUGH
IT WILL BE FUCKIN' HUGE.
- THESE SUITS ARE GORGEOUS! - YOU GOT ONE FOR ME?
OH, BUDDY,
YOU'VE GOT THE FUCKIN' COOLIST SUIT OF US ALL.
HUH, YOU'RE "SWEARMAN" NOW, BUD.
RIGHT ON.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!
I CAN'T WEAR THIS! I CAN'T WEAR SILK, MAN!
PAT, SWEARMAN IS GONNA BE FUCKIN' HUGE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE WORLD FAMOUS YOU SQUISHY FUCK TANKER.
GIRL'S BOOTS?
THEY'RE NOT GIRL'S BOOTS.
LOTS OF GUYS WEAR BOOTS.
SURPRISE NUMBER TWO, BOYS.
PRESS PASSES.
CANADA VERSUS THE UNITED STATES WORLD JUNIOR FINAL
AT THE HALIFAX FUCKIN' METRO CENTRE.
I GOT US A FUCKIN' SKYBOX, BOYS!
FUCK MY PISS HOLE WITH A PENCIL ERASER!
ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YES!
SERIOUS AS A GALVANIZED WHORE AT A TIN SHOP.
SWEARMAN, DOWN THE FUCKIN' HATCH YOU HUNK OF FUCK MEAT.
TIME TO GET SUITED UP, BUD.
I'M NOT FUCKIN' DRINKIN'.
PAT, YOU PUT THE FUCKIN' SUIT ON
AND YOU START GUZZLING LIQUOR
IF YOU WANNA TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SWEARNET.
MIKE, I DON'T WANT TO BE KNOWN
AS THE FUCKIN' DRUNK GUY ON THE INTERNET.
YOUR FUCKIN' FACE IS GONNA BE COVERED IN A FUCKIN' MASK!
NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
COME ON, MAN, SWEARNET NEEDS A MASCOT
AND IT'S YOU, BUDDY. YOU GOTTA DO IT.
NOT A FUCKIN' CHANCE!
I'M NOT FUCKIN' DOIN' IT AND YOU CAN'T FUCKIN' MAKE ME!
YEAH! FUCK YOU!
YEAH!
WOO HOO!
GET SOME FUCKIN' DRINKS IN YA! FUCK YOU! HA HA HA!
LOOK AT THIS SHIT!
YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH, YEAH, FUCK YOU!
AND I WANT THAT BIG FUCKIN' FINGER RIGHT UP MY FUCKIN' ASS!
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, ISN'T IT?
YOU WANT A BUNCH OF FUCKIN' SWEARIN'?
I'LL FUCKIN' SWEAR FOR YA!
THE TENSION IN THE AIR IS PALPABLE HERE TONIGHT, FOLKS.
CANADA AND THE UNITED STATES FOR THIS,
THE FINAL GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT.
AND A BIG WELCOME TO OUR AFFILIATES
ACROSS THE GLOBE THIS EVENING FOR WHAT IS CERTAIN TO BE
HISTORY IN THE MAKING.
NOW WE GO TO FRONTIERS RECORDING ARTIST,
SEBASTIAN BACH, WITH OUR NATIONAL ANTHEMS.
SEBASTIAN! WOO!
¶ OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE ¶
¶ BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT ¶
¶ WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED AT THE TWILIGHTS LAST GLEAMING ¶
I'M FUCKIN' HORNY!
GET YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS OFF ME, JP!
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, BOYS.
- NICE. - SHUT THE FUCK UP.
WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT?
NICE FUCKIN' LIQUOR.
LOOK AT THIS, THIS IS GONNA BE FUCKIN' EPIC.
HEY, ROBB, SEBASTIAN'S GOT HIS LEATHER PANTS ON, MAN.
¶ THE TRUE NORTH AND FREE! ¶
¶ FROM FAR AND WIDE OH CANADA... ¶
HE'S WEARIN' THOSE TIGHT LEATHER PANTS, BUDDY,
YOU BETTER HOPE JULIE'S NOT LURKING AROUND.
FUCK OFF.
YEAH, FUCK YOU, JP, YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY!
SWEARMAN, SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WE'RE GONNA SHOOT A REAL SEGMENT HERE.
I DON'T NEED YOU YAPPIN'.
I'M NOT FUCKIN' SITTIN' DOWN
IF I DON'T WANNA FUCKIN' SIT DOWN!
I'M SWEARMAN! YOU CREATED ME
AND I DIDN'T EVEN WANNA FUCKIN' DRINK!
BUT YOU FUCKIN' MADE ME DRINK, NOW I AM FUCKED!
SO TAKE A LONG SUCK ON MY FUCKIN' SWEAR COCK!
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT DOWN!
FUCK!
SEE THIS LITTLE RED SLOT?
BROADCASTS LIVE TO THE FUCKIN' THE INTERNET.
SUCK MY BALLS. ARE YOU SERIOUS?
SMITH, I DON'T THINK OUR PRESS PASSES
LET US BROADCAST THE GAME TO THE INTERNET, DO THEY?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLEARANCE TO USE THE FUCKIN' FREQUENCIES
WE'RE USING EITHER, TITANIUM TITS.
¶ OH, CANADA, WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE! ¶
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE FIRST
LIVE BROADCAST OF SWEARNET SPORTS.
TONIGHT WE HAVE THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
BETWEEN TEAM CANADA AND TEAM USA.
THAT'S RIGHT, ROBB,
THESE COCKSUCKERS HATE EACH OTHER.
SHOULD BE A FANTASTIC FUCKIN' MATCH TONIGHT.
AND WE'RE ABOUT READY TO DROP THE PUCK
SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE GODDAMN ACTION.
NO FUCKIN' AROUND HERE ON SWEARNET.
THAT'S RIGHT, NO FUCKIN' AROUND ON SWEARNET!
I'M FUCKIN' SWEARMAN! HA HA!
OH, JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST.
IT'S JUST BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION
THAT OUR MASCOT SWEARMAN,
HAS A 3 AND A HALF INCH FULLY ERECT PENIS,
WHICH I FIND A LITTLE STRANGE
CONSIDERING THERE'S ONLY MEN IN THE ROOM,
DON'T YOU THINK, JOHN PAUL?
IT'S QUITE STRANGE, ROBB.
SWEARMAN, CAN YOU TELL US WHY YOUR TINY, TINY COCK
IS HARD RIGHT NOW?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY IT'S FUCKIN' HARD!
'CAUSE I'M WEARING A SKINTIGHT SILKY SUIT
AND IT'S RUBBIN' MY COCK!
SORRY I'VE GOT A HARD COCK
'CAUSE SILKY THINGS ARE RUBBIN' ON IT!
I'M NOT ALL MANLY LIKE YOU, JOHN PAUL,
WHEN SILKY RUBS MY KNOB I FUCKING GETS HARD!
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD A SILKY RUB NOB
IT FEELS FUCKING FANTASTIC!
GUYS, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?!
SHUT THAT THING DOWN!
FUCK OFF!
TAKE HIM HIGH, RONNIE, HE'S HARD AS A ROCK!
WE HAVE FUCKIN' PASSES, GUYS!
FUCK OFF! WHAT THE- AH!
AH!
HOLD ON, PAT!
- WHAT THE FUCK?! - GET ME THE FUCK DOWN!
FUCK YOU, CNT, YOU COCKSUCKERS!
AH! AH! AH!
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SHOOT THAT.
YOU'RE ON THE BIG SCREEN, BUD!
HOLY FUCK, THIS IS FUCKED!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
GET ME THE FUCK DOWN!
I FUCKIN' SWEAR, COCKSUCKERS!
AN INCREDIBLY HARROWING
AND POTENTIALLY DEADLY SITUATION AT GAME 7
OF THE CANADA-U.S. SERIES TONIGHT
WHEN PATRICK ROACH,
WHO YOU MAY KNOW BETTER AS THE SHIRTLESS,
HOMOSEXUAL TRAILER PARK RESIDENT, RANDY,
FROM "TRAILER PARK BOYS",
HUNG FROM A SKYBOX NAKED FROM THE WAIST DOWN.
IT REALLY WAS A DUMB STUNT, BILL.
I DON'T KNOW WHO SWEARMAN IS,
BUT CLEARLY A PUBLICITY STUNT OF SOME SORT.
AND NOT A GOOD ONE EITHER.
I KNOW IF MY PENIS WAS THAT TINY
I WOULDN'T WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE IT.
AND NOT SURE IT WAS SEMI-ERECT EITHER.
WELL, MR. ROACH WAS SUBSEQUENTLY ARRESTED
BY HALIFAX POLICE.
YEAH, SWEARMAN!
SWEARMAN, YEAH!
THIS IS GONNA BE FUCKIN' HUGE, MAN.
I THINK WE SHOULD BE MORE LIKE A REAL NETWORK.
DO WE REALLY NEED COCKS ON THERE?
- YES, WE WANT COCKS ON THERE. - COCKS ARE FUCKIN' FUNNY.
PEOPLE'S COCKS COMING OUT UNEXPECTEDLY,
THAT'S SPECTACLE. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANNA SEE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANNA SEE, MAN,
BECAUSE YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH COCKS!
FUCK OFF.
YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S OBSESSED WITH COCKS.
YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAS A COCK.
WHO WAS THAT? NOTHIN'.
OLE ROBBIE BOBBIE RACKIN' UP A COUPLE SUNSHINE GIRLS.
THEY'RE HOPING TO GET A PICTURE TAKEN WITH US.
YOU'RE FUCKIN' RIGHT THEY CAN!
HERE, GIRLS, SAY HI TO SWEARNET.
- HI, SWEARNET! - I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET YOU!
I'M EXCITED TO FUCKIN' MEET YOU TOO.
HI, GUYS, JAMIE FREESON.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE THE GIRLS ON CAMERA
WITHOUT A CONTRACT.
WELL THEY CAME UP AND ASKED US FOR A PICTURE.
- I UNDERSTAND...
AND I KNOW WHO YOU GUYS ARE,
BUT "THE SUN" IS A CLIENT OF MINE
AND THEY PAY THE BILLS, SO, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, SORRY, JUST, THEY WERE FUCKIN' SMOKIN'
AND WE JUST WANTED TO DOCUMENT IT FOR SWEARNET.
WHAT'S SWEARNET?
YEAH, SO IT'S LIKE A REGULAR CHANNEL YOU'D SEE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GOT A MORNING SHOW,
NEWS, WEATHER, SPORTS, ALL THAT SHIT,
EXCEPT EVERYBODY ON EVERY CHANNEL
IS ALLOWED TO SWEAR THEIR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF.
AND YOU HONESTLY GOT THIS MANY SUBSCRIPTIONS JUST TODAY?
HE'S SERIOUS, YEAH.
SWEARMAN'S HAD ALMOST 100,000 VIEWS IN THE LAST HOUR.
- SORRY TO INTERRUPT, MAN. - I'M A FUCKIN' HUGE FAN.
DO YOU THINK WE CAN GET A COUPLE OF AUTOGRAPHS HERE?
SURE, MAN, WHO'S GOT A PEN?
YOU GUYS-YOU GUYS DO COCKS?
WHAT?
YEAH, WE'RE TRYIN' TO GET 'EM TATTOOED.
JP FUCKIN' LOVES SIGNING COCKS.
I'M NOT FUCKIN' SIGNING COCKS!
YES WE ARE, YES WE ARE.
JAMIE?
COME ON, MAN, THIS'LL BE FUCKIN' HILARIOUS.
IT'S NOT GAY IF YOU'RE NOT TOUCHIN' ANYTHING.
- I DON'T CARE. - I'M NOT SIGNING COCKS.
HI, THERE, MIKE SMITH FOR SWEARNET.
WELCOME TO THIS EDITION OF "SIGN MY COCK".
THAT DOESN'T LOOK GAY AT ALL, SMITH.
SO WHERE ARE YOU GUYS FROM?
WE'RE FORM MOTHERFUCKIN' MEDICINE HAT, ALBERTA, BITCHES!
UH, THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.
OH, SORRY, I GOT A SILVER ONE RIGHT HERE.
- OH NICE, PERFECT.
SWEARNET.COM, MOTHERFUCKERS.
FIVE BUCKS A MONTH ALL THE CRAZIEST SHIT YOU'LL EVER SEE.
SWEARNET, BITCHES!
YEAH, SWEARMAN!
OH, YOU GUYS HAVE A VERY UNIQUE DEMOGRAPHIC,
VERY MARKETABLE.
I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT MAYBE USING SOME OF OUR CLIENTS ON SWEARNET
FOR PROMOTION AND ADVERTISING.
COOL, RIGHT ON.
AH, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT SPONSOR MY CAR IN THE EAST COAST RALLY?
YOU GUYS ARE IN THE RALLY?
I'VE GOT SOME CELEBS AT THAT THING!
WE'VE GOT TOM GREEN THERE.
CARROT TOP WILL BE DOING SOME ENDORSEMENT STUFF
FOR LIQUORMEN'S WHISKY.
GOD I FUCKIN' LOVE THOSE GUYS!
IT'S NOT REALLY WHAT SWEARNET'S ABOUT.
SPONSORSHIP ALWAYS ENDS UP MEANING FUCKING CENSORSHIP.
FUCK, MAN, LET'S NOT WRITE IT OFF THAT FAST.
LET ME AT LEAST SEE IF THEY WOULD EVEN BE INTERESTED.
OKAY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING TOMORROW?
LIQUORMEN'S IS HOSTING A HOLE AT A CELEBRITY GOLF TOURNAMENT,
MAYBE I COULD MAKE A CALL,
SEE IF WE CAN ADD TEAM SWEARNET?
WHAT DO WE GOT PLANNED FOR TOMORROW?
NOTHING AS BIG AS INTERVIEWING TWO HUGE HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES!
LET'S FUCKIN' DO IT THEN! COME ON!
- CHEERS.
- RIGHT ON, THANKS, JAMIE! - WOO!
WOO!
AH!
NOT A FUCKIN' CHANCE!
FUCK. FUCK YOU.
ROBBIE, JAM THOSE FUCKERS TOGETHER!
COME ON, DO ANOTHER ONE!
I'M WATCHING ON SWEAR...
HOLY SHIT!
SHE STILL HAS HER FUCKIN' PHONE TURNED OFF.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO NOW, BUD, OTHER THAN SAY FUCK IT.
I'M SO FUCKIN' STUPID.
I FUCKED UP, I FUCKED UP. I'M FUCKIN' DUMB.
PINCHCOCK, FUCK OFF.
HERE COMES SWEARMAN.
HERE, HERE, INTRO THIS, INTRO THIS.
TODAY ON "DRUNK TANK"
WORLD REKNOWNED COCK-OUT ACROBAT, SWEARMAN.
SWEARMAN, HOW WAS THE DRUNK TANK?
OH, JUST FUCKING GREAT,
EXCEPT AT $10,000 FUCKIN' FINE FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY
'CAUSE MY ERECT COCK WAS BEEMED AROUND THE FUCKIN' WORLD
TO MILLIONS OF FUCKIN' PEOPLE!
OKAY.
CAN YOU TELL US WHY YOU CHOSE NOT TO WEAR ANY UNDERWEAR
UNDERNEATH THE SUIT, SWEARMAN?
FUCK OFF, ROBB!
TURN THE FUCKING CAMERA OFF, SMITH!
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!
SWEARNET IS FUCKIN' PAYIN' FOR THAT FUCKIN' FINE!
SWEARNET WILL DO NO SUCH THING, MY ROTUND LITTLE FUCK BEAST.
NOT A FUCKIN' CHANCE.
SWEARNET IS GONNA FUCKIN' PAY FOR THAT,
'CAUSE IT'S YOUR FUCKIN' FAULT, SMITH!
YOU'RE THE FUCKIN' ASSHOLE THAT MADE ME FUCKING DRINK
FOR FUCK SAKES!
HE'S GOT A POINT, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, ASS MILKER,
I'LL SEE YOUR LITTLE OFFER
AND I'LL RAISE THE FUCKIN' THING.
SWEARNET PAYS THE FINE, SWEARNET PAYS YOU A SALARY,
BUT FROM THIS POINT ON YOU ARE SWEARMAN, BUD.
FUCK OFF.
YOU WANNA TEST THE FUCKIN' POWERS OF SWEARMAN?!
WELL, YOU BETTER BE FUCKIN' READY
FOR WHAT'S GONNA GET FUCKIN' UNLEASHED!
I'M GONNA DRINK THIS WHOLE FUCKIN' THING.
HEY. BABE, CAN I CALL YOU BACK IN A COUPLE MINUTES?
WHAT? SLOW DOWN, BABY.
OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, LISTEN, YOU GOTTA SETTLE DOWN.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE YOU, OKAY? I'M GONNA LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
FUCK, WE GOTTA GO!
WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOIN', MAN?
- JUST GO, GO HOME. - WE GOTTA GO HOME.
THIS FUCKIN' LIQUOR'S GOOD!
I CAN'T FUCKIN' BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENIN'!
WOULD YOU GET THAT FUCKING CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE?!
COME ON, MAN, SWEARNET NEEDS SOME DRAMA.
FUCKIN' SHIT'S NEVER AS BAD AS YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE.
GOD.
HOLY FUCK.
SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK.
I CAN'T START IT!
I TRY, BABY, I TRY!
THE CAR WOULDN'T START AND THEN IT GOT TOO HOT
TO LIFT OFF THE BLOCKS!
EVERYTHING IGNITED SO FAST!
I SAVED YOUR DAD THOUGH.
OH, THANKS, BABE.
IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY, ALL RIGHT?
- LOOK HOW UGLY I AM THOUGH. - I'M SORRY, BABY!
HEY, DON'T YOU SAY THAT.
YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD, OKAY?
DON'T SAY SUCH SILLY THINGS!
ALL RIGHT? OKAY, I LOVE YOU.
AW, JESUS CHRIST, JAPE, I'M SORRY, MAN.
I SAW TWO MEN RUNNING INTO THE WOODS WITH GAS CANS.
I COULDN'T CATCH THEM THOUGH BECAUSE MY HAIR WAS ON FIRE!
WHAT DID THEY LOOK LIKE?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT ONE OF THEM
WAS LIKE A LITTLE TEENY BLACK MAN.
NO, BOYS, WE DON'T THAT'S FOR SURE.
SURE, THERE'S LOTS OF LITTLE TEENY BLACK MEN
RUNNIN' AROUND, MIKE.
WELL, HER FUCKIN' HAIR WAS ON FIRE.
MAYBE SHE GOT SMOKE IN HER EYES AND GOT CONFUSED.
GET OUT OF MY YARD.
WHAT?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY YARD!
- NOW! - GO, MAN.
JESUS, MAN.
SORRY, BROTHER. FUCK.
IT'S OKAY, BABY.
IT'S JUST A FUCKIN' CAR.
FUCK DID HE EVER GET BENT OUT OF SHAPE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO SAY TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU BETTER CALL THOSE PSYCHOS
AND CHILL THEM THE FUCK OUT, MAN.
CONFORTI SAID THEY WERE LEGIT AND THEY SEEMED NICE.
I'M SORRY.
HOLY SWEET FLYING FUCK SQUIRRELS!
THAT'S EVERY FUCKING THING YOU OWN.
I CAN'T FUCKIN' BELIEVE JULIE DID THIS.
THAT CRAZY BITCH ICE CREAM SUNDAE'D YA.
AW, MAN, THERE'S YOUR FUCKIN' HOCKEY CARD COLLECTION
YOU HAD SINCE YOU WERE FIVE!
JESUS CHRIST!
- THERE'S YOUR LAPTOP THERE. - IT'S IN GOOD SHAPE.
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A SAMURAI SWORD?
OH, IS THAT YOUR GEMINI?
THIS IS FUCKIN' CRAZY!
- OH MY FUCK! - BEST ACTOR!
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FILMING THIS RIGHT NOW?
TURN THAT OFF, MAN! THIS ISN'T FUCKIN' FUNNY!
HI, THERE, WELCOME TO THIS EDITION
OF "MY FRIENDS TRIED TO WARN ME MY HOT GIRLFRIEND
IS A FUCKIN' PSYCHO, BUT I WOULDN'T LISTEN."
I'M YOUR HOST, ROBB WELLS.
HEY, FUCK OFF!
MR. WELLS, JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO BURN DOWN
MY FUCKIN' HOUSE RIGHT NOW?
WELL, THERE WOULD BE LITTLE POINT
IN BURNING DOWN MR. ROACH'S HOUSE
SEEING AS THAT'S WHERE THE BUSINESS OPERATES FROM.
YOUR MISSUS IS A VERY TALENTED ARTIST.
IS SHE A PROFESSIONAL?
SHE IS ACTUALLY.
MR. SMITH, I THOUGHT IT WAS PERFECTLY CLEAR
IN OUR INITIAL BUSINESS MEETING
THAT YOU HAVE TO RETURN CALLS IN A PROMPT MANNER.
I WAS SHOOTIN' FOR SWEARNET, YOU KNOW, I WAS BUSY.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A FUCKIN' BIG DEAL.
OH, MR. SMITH, IF I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER
I'D SAY YOU DIDN'T READ OUR AGREEMENT.
SO, DO YOU HAVE A PAYMENT FOR ME TODAY
OR DO WE HAVE TO CONTINUE WITH THESE UNFORTUNATE TACTICS?
DO WE HAVE HIS FUCKIN' MONEY OR NOT?
AND WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER HIS FUCKIN' PHONE CALLS?!
I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA START BURNIN'
FUCKIN' STRUCTURES DOWN!
LOOK, WE ARE GOING TO PAY YOU.
MR. PINCHBECK, FROM NOW ON I'LL BE DEALING
WITH THE FINANCIALS, OKAY?
AND I PROMISE YOU I WILL ALWAYS ANSWER MY PHONE!
WELL, THAT SOUNDS SATISFACTORY ENOUGH FOR ME FOR NOW.
AND THAT'S JUST A TASTE OF COURSE.
MAN, WHO IN THE FUCK DID YOU GET US INVOLVED WITH?
I HAVE NO FUCKIN' IDEA, MAN.
WE GOTTA GET SOMETHIN' ON SWEARNET 24-7
AND PAY THESE MOTHERFUCKERS OFF.
WAKE UP YOU HAIRY FUCK LOG.
HERE, GRAB AN ANKLE,
LET'S GET THIS MEXICAN FUCK GORILLA OUT ON THE GROUND.
BE CAREFUL, HE'S HEAVY AS FUCK!
ONE, TWO, THREE!
OH FUCK!
JESUS CHRIST, SORRY, SWEARMAN.
ANYWAY, LET'S DRAG THIS BELUGA SHIT WALRUS INSIDE.
- READY? ON THREE. - YEAH.
ONE, TWO, THREE!
HOLY FUCK!
JESUS CHRIST, THERE'S A FUCKIN' SECRET
VICTORIA PROBABLY WOULDN'T CARE TO KNOW.
IT'S SO WRINKLY.
DID YOU KNOW HE WORE THAT SHIT?
YEAH, HE MADE ME PROMISE HE WOULDN'T TELL YOU GUYS.
IT STARTED BACK IN GRADE 7.
ANYWAY, MAN, I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK YOU'RE THINKIN' ABOUT THIS OTHER SHIT TOO MUCH.
I WAS THINKIN' MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL JAMIE.
WE GOTTA TELL HER WE CAN'T MAKE
THE GOLF TOURNAMENT ANYWAY, AND LET'S ASK HER.
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING SHE CAN DO.
MAN, CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP GOES AGAINST
EVERYTHING WE FUCKING BELIEVE IN.
I'M SORRY, BABY, PLEASE COME HOME. I MISS YOU?
HMM, OH GREAT, LOONIE TUNES WANTS TO TALK.
- OH, MAN, WHO CARES? - FUCK HER!
WELL, I SHOULD AT LEAST LISTEN TO WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.
WE WENT OUT FOR A LONG TIME.
DO NOT FUCKING GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER!
I WON'T.
SHE'S FUCKIN' NUTS, MAN. I KNOW THAT NOW.
ANYWAY, TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING
WE CAN SHOOT FOR FUCKIN' SWEARNET
THAT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.
I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I'M DONE.
YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY-WHIPPED FUCKER!
I'M NOT GONNA GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER!
YOU'RE FUCKIN' CALLING HER RIGHT NOW, AREN'T YA?
- NO I'M NOT. - I'M CALLIN' MY MOM.
HEY, BABY, HOW ARE YA?
COCK SUCKIN' FUCKIN' ANTS!
SORRY ABOUT THIS, SWEARMAN.
- LOOSIN' UP THE WRISTS. - CUP THE BALLS.
- SHUT THE FUCK UP! I GOT IT! - JESUS CHRIST.
STROKE THE SHAFT.
GOD- FUCK!
NO MORE FUCKIN' AUTOGRAPHS!
DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET THE NEXT ONE.
AND THE NEXT HUNDRED.
HEY, MIKE, HOW'S IT GOIN'? WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?
UH, WE HAD A BIT OF A FUCKIN' NIGHTMARE.
JP'S GARAGE CAUGHT FIRE AND BURNED DOWN
WITH HIS GODDAMN RACE CAR IN IT.
OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
LOOK, IF I BENT THE RULES
ON SWEARNET'S CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP POLICY A BIT,
DO YOU THINK THAT SPONSOR YOU MENTIONED
COULD HELP US OUT WITH A RACE CAR?
I THINK IT'S VERY POSSIBLE.
UH, LET ME CALL YOU BACK.
OKAY, THANKS, JAMIE.
HEY, JAMIE, HOW'D YOU MAKE OUT?
NO FUCKIN' WAY! RIGHT ON!
OH, WE'LL FINALLY GET TO MEET THOSE DUDES.
ALL RIGHT, AMAZING. YOU ROCK, JAMIE.
I'LL CALL THE BOYS. RIGHT ON.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE'RE FUCKIN' IN, BUDDY!
FUCK!
FUCK YOU, SMITH!
WHAT?
- HEY, BUDDY, HOW'S IT GOIN'? - WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'?
I'M WORKIN' OUT AND FUCKIN'! WHAT DO YOU WANT?
OH, YEAH, BABY!
NICE.
LISTEN, I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH JAMIE.
I GOT YOU GUYS SET UP WITH A NEW CAR AND SPONSOR,
RACEDICKS IS FUCKIN' HAPPENIN', BUD.
WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME?
I'M BACK IN THE RACE.
- OH! OH! - YEAH! YEAH!
FUCK! MOVE THAT! YEAH!
FUCK-YOU-ROCK, SMITH!
YEAH, FUCK YOUR GOOD NEWS INTO ME, BABY!
FUCKIN' POUND THAT SHIT, MAN! CONFERENCE ROBB IN.
IT'S KIND OF HARD RIGHT NOW, MAN.
JUST A SECOND!
WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKIN' ROSE PETALS?
JUST MASSAGE ME PLEASE, ROBB.
SURE.
OH.
JESUS CHRIST, ROBB, WHO IS THAT?
IT'S JP. I CAN CALL HIM BACK THOUGH.
SORRY, BABE.
NO, YOU CAN TALK TO JP. THE MOOD'S RUINED NOW ANYWAYS.
WHY DON'T YOU FUCKIN' ANSWER IT?
HEY, BUDDY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
I'M OKAY, MAN.
YEAH! OH YEAH!
I'M ON TOO, BUD, WHAT THE FUCK'S GOIN' ON?
OH, HEY, THAT'S REALLY COOL THE WAY YOU DID THAT.
WHY ARE YOU TALKIN' IN FUCKIN' PUSSY MODE RIGHT NOW?
TELL ME YOU'RE NOT BACK WITH THAT CRAZY FUCKTRAIN, ROB?!
- HELL, YEAH, HE IS! - YEAH, BABY!
UH, NOT TOTALLY, BUT YEAH.
TELL HIM THE NEWS, ROBB.
WHAT FUCKIN' NEWS IS SHE TALKIN' ABOUT?
ME AND JULIE GOT PRE-ENGAGED,
SHE FINALLY ACCEPTED THE PROMISE RING.
CONGRATS, MAN, THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM, BUD!
JESUS CHRIST!
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH JAMIE.
I GOT YOU A NEW CAR.
YOU GUYS ARE FUCKIN' RACIN' AGAIN!
OH, THAT'S REALLY COOL, JP.
UM, I'LL TALK TO JULIE ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.
SEE YOU, DUDE!
BYE BYE, COME WITH ME!
OH, I LOVE YOU, BABY!
FUCK THIS IS A GOOD WORKOUT!
- YEAH! - OH YEAH!
HOLY FUCK!
OH MY GOD!
WHAT DID HE WANT?
LOOKS LIKE WE COULD BE IN THE RACE AGAIN.
JP FOUND ANOTHER CAR.
IS MIKE INVOLVED?
I HAVEN'T CALLED MIKE AND MIKE HASN'T CALLED ME.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT MIKE, JULIE.
IT'S ABOUT JP AND HIS DAD. HE'S ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS!
WHATEVER, ROBB.
IT'S GREAT TO SEE WHAT YOUR FUCKIN' PRIORITIES ARE.
- FUCK. - I HEARD THAT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME TO THE EAST COAST TARGA.
AS WE GET SET FOR OUR TWO DAYS OF COMPETITION
AND IT WILL BE THE COMBINED TIME
FROM THOSE TWO DAYS OF RACING
THAT WILL DETERMINE OUR OVERALL RESULTS
AND CROWN OUR EAST COAST TARGA CHAMPION.
NOW IF YOU WANT TO GET AUTOGRAPHS
FROM ANY OF OUR TEAMS,
TODAY'S PRACTICE DAY IS THE DAY TO GET THEM,
BECAUSE ONCE THE TWO DAYS OF RACING START TOMORROW
THE ONLY WAY TO GET AN AUTOGRAPH
WILL BE WITH A PIT PASS.
WE'RE FROM HOLLYWOOD.
HOLLYWOOD, HUH? HOLLYWOOD CALIFORNIA!
CALIFORNIA!
- WHERE ARE WE AT? - WHERE ARE WE AT NOW?
WHERE ARE WE ANYWAY?
CANADA?
- WE'RE HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS. - WE'RE HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
KEY CHAINS AND PICTURES OF CELEBRITIES!
OH, HEY, BUDDY, NICE TO SEE YA. THANKS FOR COMIN'.
OH, HI, YA, NICE TO SEE YA.
WE'RE HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
- HEY, WHAT'S UP, GREASE? - WHAT'S UP, SLICK?
HEY, GUYS, SO WHADDYA THINK?
HOLY SHIT BALLS!
DEEP FRY MY TITS, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
PRETTY SWEET, HUH?
LOOK AT THESE FUCKIN' THINGS!
SHIT, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GETTIN' PORCHES!
YOU OKAY, MAN?
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
I JUST HOPE HE'S UP THERE LOOKIN' DOWN AT US RIGHT NOW.
OH, MAN, YOU KNOW HE IS UP THERE FLOATIN' AROUND IN HEAVEN
JACKIN' THAT FUCKIN' BIG ROD OF HIS SMILIN'.
OKAY, SO I HIGHLIGHTED SOME TURNS
WHERE A LOT SPECTATORS WILL BE WATCHING.
THERE'S SOME CAMERAS IN THE CARS.
IF YOU CAN DO SOME SPONSOR SHOUT-OUTS THERE
IT'LL BE GREAT.
THAT WAY WE'LL GET THE FANS IN THE BACKGROUND,
AND THEY CAN SWEAR, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
WE CAN'T DO SHOUT OUTS WHILE WE'RE ACTUALLY RACING.
NO, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU MEANT DURING THE RACE.
IT'LL BE WAY TOO DISTRACTING, NOT TO MENTION DANGEROUS,
PLUS I NEED HIM NAVIGATING.
WELL, ROBB'S NOT IN YOUR CAR.
HUH? WHAT?
YOU DIDN'T TELL THEM ABOUT TOM AND CARROT TOP
BEING INVOLVED EITHER, DID YOU?
I'M SORRY, GUYS.
I THOUGHT MIKE RAN ALL THIS BY YOU.
TOM AND CARROT TOP?
HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY INVOLVED?
AH!
STOP THE FUCKIN' CAR!
TELL ME WHEN FUCKIN' TURN!
I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO FUCKIN' TURN!
- THERE'S A FUCKIN' TURN!
THIS IS A FUCKIN' TURN!
THAT WAS A FUCKIN' TURN! STOP FUCKIN' HITTING ME!
THEY STUCK ME WITH A FUCKIN' LUNATIC!
STOP FUCKIN' HITTING ME!
LET ME OUTTA THE FUCKIN' CAR!
- WE'RE IN A RACE PIT! - I'M NOT FUCKIN' STOPPIN'!
FUCK!
IT'S ONLY A PRACTICE DAY, JAPE. IT DOESN'T COUNT.
IT COUNTS TO ME, SMITH, YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!
I'M SORRY! FUCK, YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH CARROT TOP
THAN TOM THOUGH, TRUST ME.
FUCK OFF!
HOW ARE YOU DOIN', ROBB?
I'M IN A GOD DAMN SHIT SHOW, SMITH.
TOM STOPPED THE FUCKING CAR.
PEOPLE ARE SWARMING US LIKE GODDAMN LOCUSTS!
SORRY, KID, NOT YOU.
I MEAN YOU GUYS AREN'T SWARMIN' US REALLY OR ANYTHING...
JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE IN A FUCKIN' RACE CAR
WITH TOM FUCKIN' GREEN!
I'M HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
I'M TOM GREEN. I'M HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
WOULD YOU LIKE A KEY CHAIN?
I'M HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
TOM, GET BACK IN THE FUCKING CAR NOW!
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RACIN' HERE
NOT SIGNIN' FUCKIN' AUTOGRAPHS!
I'M HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKIN' READ MAPS!
READ IT!
IT'S ALL IN CANADIAN!
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKIN' READ THIS!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S FUCKIN' CANADIAN?!
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE! FUCK OFF!
AW, FUCK THIS SHIT!
JAPE, MAN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO A SHOUT OUT FOR PUMA
THAT LAST TURN. SMARTEN THE FUCK UP!
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!
DO YOU HEAR WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN HERE?!
SO WHEN SHE PUT THE HOSE CLAMP ON MY SACK
AND TURNED ON THE GAS
THERE WERE FUCKIN' FEATHERS FLYIN' EVERYWHERE, MAN.
SO DO YOU STILL EAT CHICKEN FINGERS OR WHAT?
NICE, ROBB.
SMITH!
HEY, BUDDY, WE'RE GETTIN' SWEARNET GOD HERE, MAN.
DON'T FUCKIN' BUDDY ME! I GOT 9 MILLION ANT BITES
ON MY FUCKIN' GUT BECAUSE OF YOU,
YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!
HOLY FUCK, MAN!
- IT'S FUCKED! - SORRY, BUDDY.
- WELL FUNNY FUCKIN' THIS! - WE JUST GOT SERVED!
YOU WENT TOO FUCKIN' FAR, MAN! CHECK THAT OUT!
PAT, FUCK OFF. CNT CAN'T SUE SWEARNET.
WELL, APPARENTLY THEY FUCKIN' CAN
AND THEY GOT A BUNCH OF CIVIL SUITS AGAINST ME,
AGAINST SWEARMAN!
JUST RELAX, OKAY?
NOBODY CAN PROVE THEY NEED COUNSELLING
'CAUSE THEY SAW YOUR HARD LITTLE NIB COCK ON TV.
I'M NOT FUCKIN' WORRIED ABOUT THIS SHIT.
YEAH, WELL MAYBE ROB AND JP
WILL BE FUCKIN' WORRIED ABOUT IT!
YOU FUCKIN' LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW!
YOU FUCKIN' PROMISE ME
YOU DON'T SAY A FUCKIN' WORD ABOUT THIS TO THOSE GUYS!
JP DOESN'T NEED FUCKIN' DISTRACTIONS RIGHT NOW!
JESUS, SMITH, TAKE IT FUCKIN' EASY, MAN.
PAT, I'M JUST...
I'M STRESSED HERE, MAN.
DON'T EVER GRAB ME BY THE FUCKIN' FACE AGAIN!
- FUCK! TRUCE! TRUCE!
OH YOU FUCKIN-
LISTEN, YOU FUCKIN' COCKSUCKER!
YOU FUCKIN' CONCENTRATE ON DRIVIN' UP MEMBERSHIPS
SO I CAN CHILL PINCHBECK THE FUCK OUT,
OR I'LL RIP YOUR SHITTY FUCKING HEAD
RIGHT OFF YOUR FUCKIN' BODY!
OKAY, MY COUSIN LEIGH'S HOSTING KARAOKE AT REGGIES TONIGHT.
I WANT TO SHOOT SWEAR-E-OKE.
WHAT THE FUCK IS SWEAR-E-OKE, MAN?
SERIOUSLY?
OH YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY, LISTEN, I WANT SWEARMAN TO HOST IT.
IT'LL BE FUCKIN' AMAZING.
GO GET YOUR SUIT ON, BRING A CAMERA DOWN THERE,
GET SET UP, HAVE A COUPLE DRINKS,
JUST WAIT FOR US TO GET THERE, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, BUDDY.
COME HERE, HUG IT OUT, I LOVE YOU, BUD.
DON'T EVER FUCKIN' KNEE ME IN THE NUTS AGAIN,
YOU FUCKIN' ARCTIC POLAR WHORE BLANKET!
JAPE, HOW ARE YOU MAKIN' OUT?
IS CARROT GETTIN' THE HANG OF THIS OR WHAT?
- SHUT THE FUCK UP! - SHUT THE FUCK UP!
- NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
- JUST TAKE THIS OVER THERE. - THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
AH!
THE RACE IS OVER!
STOP THE FUCKIN' CAR!
I AM PARKING THE FUCKIN' CAR! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CAR!
YOU'RE A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!
FUCK YOU. THANK YOU, GOD.
PAUL TREMBLAY, MIKE SMITH HERE FOR SWEARNET SPORTS.
YOU HAVE THE SIXTH FASTEST TIME OF THE DAY SO FAR,
UNOFFICIALLY. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN' ON?
HOW DID IT GO OUT THERE?
NOT FUCKIN' GOOD! YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE TRIED TO DO IT THE WAY THE SPONSORS WANTED TO
AND EVERYTHING GOT FUCKED UP BECAUSE THAT DICK
IS THE WORST FUCKIN' NAVIGATOR IN THE FUCKIN' WORLD!
FUCK OFF.
TOM GREEEN ARRIVING BACK.
I'M HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
KEY CHAINS. ANYONE WANT A KEY CHAIN?
YOU GUYS WANT A KEY CHAIN? I'M HANDIN' OUT KEY CHAINS.
ROBB WELLS, MIKE SMITH, SWEARNET SPORTS.
HOW DID YOU IT GO OUT THERE TODAY?
WELL, IT WAS FUCKIN' AMAZING. WE WERE SO FAST!
GLAD I WASTED TWO WEEKS
PREPARING MY FUCKIN' ROUTE BOOK FOR NOTHIN'!
YOU'RE IN MY FUCKIN' CAR TOMORROW!
- GOOD! - GOOD!
- FUCK YOU AND YOU! - YOU GET IN HIS FUCKIN' CAR!
YOU WANT TO KEEP FUCKIN' POINTING AT ME?!
I'M HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
- KEEP DOIN' IT! - YOU DROVE ME FUCKIN' NUTS!
I'M HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH ALL FUCKIN' DAY.
YEAH, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE.
EVERYTHING'S FINE. EVERYTHING IS GREAT.
UM, YES, OKAY, BYE.
SORRY, LISTEN, THIS WHOLE THING WITH TOM AND CARROT TOP
IT'S FUCKED. IT'S NOT WORKIN'.
YOU KNOW THE LITTLE DOLL JP HAS?
YEAH?
HE PUT HIS DAD'S ASHES IN THAT THING
SO THAT THEY COULD CROSS THE FINISH LINE TOGETHER.
HIS DAD'S ASHES ARE IN THE DOLL?
THAT IS SO SAD.
OH, FUCK, IT'S BEYOND SAD. IT'S FUCKING GUT-WRENCHING.
BUT THAT'S THE STORY
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FOCUS ON, YOU KNOW?
THE BOND BETWEEN JP AND HIS FATHER.
YEAH, I THINK SO TOO.
BUT YOU KNOW TOM AND CARROT DON'T ACTUALLY RACE, RIGHT?
THAT WAS JUST SOME PROMO THING FOR TODAY.
YEAH, FUCK NO, I KNEW THAT.
GIVE ME ONE SECOND.
HEY, NO THOSE WERE HAPPY SCREAMS, HAPPY.
YES, NO, HIS AGENT CALLED?
FUCK, I'M AN IDIOT.
THAT'S AWESOME, BUD.
HOW DID YOU GET HER TO AGREE TO THAT?
I FINGER BLASTED HER.
- WHAT? - NO YOU DIDN'T.
NO, I'M JUST JOKIN'.
I TOLD WE'D PUT MORE HEART IN SWEARNET.
YEAH, WELL THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
IT'S NOT A FUCKIN' GOOD IDEA.
SPECTACLE'S WHAT PEOPLE WANNA SEE.
GET YOUR GAME BALLS ON, BOYS,
WE'RE GOIN' TO REGGIE'S TO SHOOT.
I'M GOIN' TO BED.
NO, YOU'RE NOT GOIN' TO FUCKIN' BED.
DID YOU FORGET ABOUT PINCHBECK?
I'LL HAVE YOU'S HOME BY 11:00. HOLY FUCK!
I'M NOT ALLOWED OUT TILL 11:00!
THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID.
I'M NOT ALLOWED OUT TILL 11:00.
FUCK!
WHAT ARE YOU IN FUCKIN' GRADE 8?
NICE PARKIN' JOB, DICK HEAD.
SAME WAY I PARK UP YOUR MOTHER'S ASS, BUD,
FAST AND HARD.
COME ON, BOYS, THIS IS GONNA BE FUCKIN' AWESOME!
MY COUSIN LEIGH DOES KARAOKE HERE.
HE'S GONNA LET US DO SWEAR-E-OKE.
WHAT THE HELL IS SWEAR-E-OKE?
YOU CAN'T FUCKIN' FIGURE OUT WHAT SWEAR-E-OKE IS?
HEY, ALL YOU COWBOYS! GET YOUR FUCKIN' COCKS OUT!
OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!
I'D SAY SWEARMAN SHOWED UP.
HELLO, BOYS!
...BUILT THIS CITY ON COCK AND HOLE?!
WHAT'S GOIN' ON, LEIGH?
OH, PRETTY GOOD, MAN!
FUCK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS SWEAR-E-OKE'S
SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT,
PAT'S OUT THERE SINGIN' ABOUT COCKS AND STUFF.
WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
FUCK, I DON'T THINK PEOPLE ARE DIGGIN' IT THOUGH.
I JUST LET HIM GO WITH IT.
I'VE LOTS OF 'EM!
I'LL BE HERE ALL FUCKIN' NIGHT!
¶ YOU'RE A REAL TOUGH COWBOY ¶
¶ WITH A GREAT BIG COCK ¶
¶ 10 SECONDS WITH ME I'LL MAKE YOU HARD AS A ROCK! ¶
¶ I'LL TAKE YOU RIGHT DOWN TO THE FUCKIN' BASE, ¶
¶ MAKE SURE YOU BLOW IT IN MY FACE! ¶
¶ HIT ME WITH YOUR BIG COCK! ¶
¶ COME ON, HIT ME WITH YOUR BIG COCK! ¶
¶ COME ON, HIT ME WITH YOUR BIG COCK ¶
¶ AND I'M NOT EVEN GAY! ¶
HA HA! YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!
HA HA!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?
¶ TAKE IN THE FUCKIN' FACE! ¶
GET OFF THE STAGE!
¶ SUCKIN' ON MY FRIEND'S COCK! ¶
¶ COME ON NOW, SUCKIN' ON MY FRIEND'S COCK! ¶
BOO!
¶ COME ON NOW SUCKIN' ON MY FRIEND'S COCK ¶
¶ AND BLOWING IT AWAY! ¶
GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE, BOY!
WE DIDN'T COME HERE TO LISTEN TO YOU
SING ABOUT SUCKIN' GODDAMN COCKS!
I'M SWEARMAN!
IF I WANNA SING ABOUT SUCKIN' FUCKIN' COCKS,
I CAN SING ABOUT FUCKIN' SUCKIN' COCKS!
WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT ANYONE'S SEXUAL ORIENTATION IS,
YOU HOMOPHOBIC FUCKIN' FAG!
OKAY, SWEARMAN, EVERYBODY.
- AW, FUCK YOU! - GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
FUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKIN-!
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
OKAY, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.
FUCK! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
FUCK YOU!
I AM SWEARMAN!
I'M FUCKIN' SORRY! SORRY! SORRY!
SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!
FUCK!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE'S GONNA THROW
A GODDAMN FUCKIN' GUMBALL MACHINE!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
YOU HAD TO GO ON ABOUT COCKS AGAIN THOUGH, DIDN'T YA, HUH?!
IT FEELS LIKE A THOUSAND FUCKING MIGRAINES
ARE FUCKING MY EAR HOLE RIGHT NOW!
AW, FUCK, LET ME SEE IF I CAN CALM THESE FUCKERS DOWN A BIT.
LEIGH, YOU GOT ANY PAIN KILLERS OR ANYTHING?
THERE'S SOME CODEINE 60S IN MY BAG THERE, MIKE.
YEAH, YEAH, CODEINE.
YOU JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELF, CAN YA?
HOLY FUCKIN' FEAR AND LOATHING OVER HERE, BOYS.
HERE WE GO. CODEINE, UH,
EVERY FOUR HOURS. MAX DOSE 60 MILL.
GIVE ME SOME OF THAT SHIT.
HERE OPEN UP THERE, FUCKY.
HERE I'LL GIVE YOU A DOUBLE FUCKIN' WHAMMY OF IT.
I WON'T HURT YA.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA, MAN!
JESUS, BE CAREFUL WITH THAT STUFF!
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN CAREFUL? IT'S CODEINE.
IT'S PURE LSD, MAN!
YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO TAKE A TINY DROP!
WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKIN' ABOUT LSD?!
HOW MUCH DID YOU GIVE HIM?
IT WAS IN A CODEINE BOTTLE!
YOU GOTTA SIT DOWN AND YOU GOTTA RELAX.
MAN, I'M TELLIN' YOU. WE'VE SMOKED WHEELCHAIR WEED
THAT'S WAY CRAZIER THAN ACID.
OKAY, THAT'S GREAT, MAN,
BUT NO ONE'S PROBABLY DONE THIS MUCH ACID IN FUCKIN' HISTORY!
OH FUCK I HAVE.
HOLY FUCK, JP!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN'?
I'M NOT LETTING MY NAVIGATOR
TRIP OUT ON ACID BY HIMSELF, MAN.
WE'RE A TEAM, BUDDY.
IT'S 10 O'CLOCK, WE'LL BE TOTALLY FINE BY THE MORNING.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BOYS.
BOY, I CAN'T FUCKIN' DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW, I CAN'T!
NO, WE'RE GONNA BE FINE, MAN.
- YOU'RE GONNA BE FUCKED!
- WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! - YOU JUST GOTTA GO WITH IT.
WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA TRIP, OLD BOYS, ALL NIGHT,
I'LL CERTAINLY FUCKING JOIN YA.
AH! GOOD TO GO!
¶¶
THIS ACID STUFF IS FUCKIN' INTENSE!
¶ YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE WORLD ¶
¶ AND YOU CAN'T GET ANY HIGHER YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE WORLD! ¶
I'M FLYING! I'M FUCKIN' FLYING!
¶ IT WASN' EASY IT WAS HARD AS HELL! ¶
¶ SHE NEVER GREW UP IN A WISHING WELL! ¶
¶ NEVER HURT SO MUCH HAD SO MUCH PAIN ¶
¶ NEVER CHANGED FOR ANYTHING. ¶
(THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
HOLY FUCK! HOW DID I EVEN GET UP HERE?!
HOLY FUCK.
HI, MAN.
MR. WELLS, MR. PINCHBECK. GLAD YOU'RE STILL UP.
I'D VERY MUCH LIKE TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR TOMORROW'S PAYMENT.
MR. WELLS?
IT'S THE NIGHT PEOPLE. THE PEOPLE...
IT'S THE PEOPLE OF THE NIGHT.
MR. WELLS?
I LOVEY, LOVEY FEEL.
I THINK MR. WELLS AND SWEARNET NEED AN INTERVENTION, LOGI.
HOLY FUCK, BOYS, THIS ACIM'S AWESODE, MAN!
I'VE GOT THE HUNGER.
WHAT'S THAT?
- I'VE GOT THE HUNGER! - I'M HUNGRY.
- ALL RIGHT. - YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE COULD DO AN AWESOME FUCKIN' BIT FOR SWEARNET -
A COOKIN' SHOW.
WHAT'S THE MOST FUCKED UP THING
WE COULD COOK AND EAT RIGHT NOW?
PAT!
PAT! I WANT THE BRAINS!
HI, THERE, WELCOME TO "ACID CANIBALS".
I'M YOUR HOST, MIKE SMITH.
LET'S COOK THIS FUCKER!
LOOKS TO BE A 240 POUND HIMALAYAN SHITBEAST!
MORE SAUCE! MORE SAUCE!
YEAH, GROUND PEPPER.
GUYS, HOW ARE YOU FEELIN' ABOUT THE RACE IN THE MORNING?
WE'VE GOT SOME BALD PUSSY TEQUILA.
AND THEN FOR THE FATTY LAYER WE'RE GONNA DISSOLVE IT
WITH SOME LIQUORMEN'S OLD DIRTY CANADIAN WHISKEY.
TO MAKE IT CRISPY.
HOLY FUCK!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
GET ME THE FUCK-
UNFUCKING TIE ME, FOR FUCK'S SAKES!
SMITH, YOU FUCKIN' UNTIE ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!
YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH SHUT!
- YOU FUCKIN' SHUT UP! - I'M FUCKIN'...
GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, SMITH!
FUCKIN' UNTIE ME RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW!
THIS IS NOT FUCKIN' FUNNY! FOR FUCK SAKES!
BOYS, I DON'T WANNA FREAK YOU OUT, BUT...
IT'S ABOUT TWO HOURS TILL RACE TIME.
HOW ARE YOU GUYS FEELIN'?
HE SAID HE'S 100 PERCENT, FUCKWAD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO DAY ONE
OF THE EAST COAST TARGA,
WE'LL BE GETTING UNDERWAY SHORTLY.
JUST A REMINDER THERE ARE STILL TICKETS AVAILABLE
FOR THE FINAL STAGES...
WALK STRAIGHT NOW, STRAIGHT UP.
HOLY FUCK.
IT'S LIKE A BUFFALO WITH 400 BALLS.
YOU'VE GOTTA AVOID SHIT LIKE THAT.
THAT'S A TRIGGER, MAN.
THAT'LL SEND YOU RIGHT ON THE NEXT TRAIN TO LAUGHY TOWN.
YOU GOTTA FOCUS HERE. IT'S COMIN' IN WAVES NOW.
WE CAN CONTROL THIS. KEEP YOUR EYES TO THE GROUND.
DON'T LOOK ANYBODY, OKAY?
- GOT IT. - DON'T LOOK AT ANY-
OH, WE GOT A GREASY BOGIE TO THE RIGHT, MAN.
DON'T LOOK AT IT.
AH, AH, UH...
HI!
ALL RIGHT, YOU DID GOOD, MAN.
JUST KEEP AVOIDING THOSE FUCKIN' TRIGGERS, ALL RIGHT?
AVOID FUCKIN' TRIGGERS.
FOLKS, IT HAS JUST BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION
THAT ROBB WELLS AND JOHN PAUL TREMBLAY
AND MIKE SMITH WILL BE SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS
OVER BY THEIR SWEARNET RACE CAR.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, GOD!
PUSH THE MEMBERSHIPS.
HEY, EVERYBODY, SWEARNET.COM, FIVE BUCKS A MONTH.
GET YOUR AUTOGRAPHS RIGHT HERE FROM THESE TWO DICKHEADS.
COMIN' THROUGH, EXCUSE ME.
COMIN' THROUGH.
OH, GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US, FELLAS.
YOU MIND PERSONALIZING THAT FOR ME?
THAT'S FUCKIN' BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
THE NAME'S CARL,
BUT THE BOYS DOWN AT THE GUN CLUB CALL ME TRIGGER.
I'M FUCKIN' SORRY ABOUT THAT!
UH, JESUS, DO YOU WANT ME TO GET THAT FOR YA?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?
OH MY GOD!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S PUSSY.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER'S PUSSY LOOKS LIKE?
IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THAT.
I'M SURPRISED YOU BOYS PASSED THE GODDAMN BREATHALYZERS!
WE HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK.
OKAY, LET'S CLEAR OUT, SHOW'S OVER.
WE HAVE HOUSE OF LIQUORMEN SAMPLES
RIGHT OVER THERE FOR YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
OKAY, I HAVE YOU GUYS STARTING SIXTH.
- ARE YOU GUYS OKAY? - WHAT'S WRONG?
WE WERE TELLING JOKES ABOUT SHIT.
WE'RE FINE.
ALL RIGHT, GET IN THERE.
YOU ASSHOLES ARE GONNA PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT!
THAT SHIT WASN'T EVEN FUNNY!
FUCK YOU!
ALL RIGHT, GET TO THE START LINE.
OKAY, NO FUCKIN' AROUND, ALL RIGHT?
ARE YOU FUCKED IN THE HEAD?!
- WHAT? - IF YOU WOULD'VE PASSED OUT
THEY WERE GONNA COOK ME AND EAT ME!
PAT, I WOULDN'T HAVE LET THEM FUCKIN' COOK AND EAT YOU.
THINK ABOUT THAT. GIVE ME CORN DOG.
- FUCK OFF! - I'M FUCKIN' STARVIN'!
YOU'RE TAKING THIS SWEARNET STUFF TOO FUCKIN' FAR, SMITH!
PAT, I'M IN OVER MY FUCKIN' HEAD HERE, MAN.
LOOK, I GOTTA MAKE A HUGE PAYMENT
TO PINCHCOCKSUCKER TOMORROW
AND I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKIN' MONEY.
WE GOTTA SELL SUBSCRIPTIONS HERE, MAN.
SWEARMAN MIGHT BE THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN DO THIS.
YOU GOTTA HELP ME. PEOPLE FUCKIN' LOVE YOU.
THEY DO? YES, THEY FUCKIN' DO.
HEY, IT'S SWEARMAN, EVERYBODY!
YEAH!
RIGHT ON.
- HOW ARE YOU FEELING, BUDDY? - WHAT'S YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL?
- I FEEL FUCKING FANTASTIC, ROBB! - COME ON!
ARE YOU READY FOR BATTLE, YOUNG WARRIOR?
- OKAY, GET READY. - THREE, TWO, ONE, HIT IT!
- WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?
FUCKIN' NEUTRAL!
SMITH, HEIGHTS FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT, MAN!
I'M NOT SITTIN' BY THE FUCKIN' WINDOW!
IT'S OKAY, BUDDY, YOU WON'T HAVE TO.
OKAY, BUDDY, GET YOUR HELMET ON!
- ALL RIGHT. - I STILL DON'T KNOW
WHAT SWEARMAN HAS TO DO WITH THIS SHOT?
SWEARMAN'S CRITICAL TO THIS SHOT!
SORRY.
THE VIDEO'S GOTTA BE INSANE, MAN, I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE!
IT'S GONNA BLOW YOUR FUCKIN' MIND!
SMITH, YOU COCKSUCKER, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOIN'?!
SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
WATCH OUT FOR THE FUCKIN'- OH SHIT!
I GOT IT, MAN, THIS IS FUCKIN' AWESOME!
GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY!
FUCKIN' SHEPHERDS!
WE'RE HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS.
FUCK OFF, SHEPHERDS!
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ORANGE-HEADED FUCK
WAS CHUCKING KEY CHAINS AT ME!
STOP THINK ABOUT CARROT COCK AND GET BACK INTO THIS!
CARROT COCK!
ALL RIGHT, OKAY,
I'M GETTING HIT BY ANOTHER WAVE.
JUST SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
- WHAT IS THAT? - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
FUCK!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
- COME ON, SWEARMAN!
- FUCK YOU, SMITH! - JUST GET ME THE FUCK DOWN!
YOU ARE GONNA FUCKIN' KILL ME!
HE IS NOT FUCKIN' LOOKIN' GOOD!
- JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
SMITH, SWEARMAN JUST EXPLODED, MAN.
IS HE OKAY?
I'M SORRY!
SWEARMAN!
THAT WAS FUCKED UP!
OH, FUCK, THAT FEELS BETTER NOW!
SWEARMAN, DO A SHOUT OUT!
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I'M NOT CLEANIN' THIS FUCKIN' MESS THOUGH, SMITH.
FUCK.
SWEARMAN, YOU OKAY, BUDDY?!
SMITH! THAT WAS FUCKIN' AMAZING!
I WAS FLYIN'!
IT WAS AWESOME, MAN!
FUCKIN' A! OH MY GOD!
I WAS FUCKIN' FLYIN'! I WAS FUCKIN' FLYIN!
GOD, YOU STINK!
WOO!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DRIVER, JOHN PAUL TREMBLAY.
NAVIGATOR, ROBB WELLS,
WITH A TIME OF TWO HOURS,
SIX MINUTES, TWENTY EIGHT SECONDS.
THAT CURRENTLY HAS THEM IN THIRD PLACE!
- YEAH! - YES!
RIGHT THE FUCK ON!
THAT WAS FUCKIN' AMAZING, MAN.
THAT COCKSUCKER'D BE SO PROUD OF YOU FOR TODAY.
- THANKS, MAN. - AWESOME!
BOYS, FUCKIN' THIRD PLACE ALREADY!
- AMAZING! - I KNOW!
SWEARMAN, THE FUCKIN' FOOTAGE LOOKS INCREDIBLE!
I'M FUCKIN' STARVIN'!
YOU FUCKIN' STINK.
THIS IS REALLY COMIN' TOGETHER, BOYS.
MIKE! YOU'RE BEING SUED BY CNT?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!
WHAT?
I GOT IT UNDER CONTROL.
OH REALLY?!
BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN INVOLVED
IF I KNEW YOU WERE BEING SUED!
OKAY, HE SAID HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL.
IT'S NOT A FUCKIN' BIG DEAL!
THE SPONSORS, THEY'RE PULLING THE CARS.
I'M SORRY. THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!
THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS FUCKIN' THING I EVER HEARD!
ARE YOU SURPRISED? REALLY?
SORRY TO DO THIS, BOYS,
BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO DISQUALIFY YA.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
RACING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE?
DOES THIS LOOK FAMILIAR?
WHAT DOES THE EAST COAST TARGA PEOPLE GONNA THINK
WHEN THEY FIND OUT WE'RE ON FUCKIN' ACID!
LSD, BABY! YEAH!
- NO. - UNH UH.
TRIGGER, FUCK OFF!
THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY ON ACID, FOR FUCK SAKES!
I SHOT THAT. WE WERE FUCKIN' AROUND.
THEY'RE JUST ACTING.
SON, DO I LOOK STUPID TO YOU?
I'VE SEEN YOUR SHOW.
THEY'RE NOT THAT GOOD AT ACTING.
SORRY, BOYS, THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
COME ON!
JESUS CHRIST, MIKE!
JAMIE, I'M FUCKIN' SORRY!
I'M TRYING NOT TO GO TITS UP HERE!
I'M UNDER A LOT OF FUCKIN' PRESSURE!
YOU COULDN'T JUST TAKE ONE FUCKIN' DAY OFF
OF SWEARNET, COULD YA?
NO, I FUCKIN' COULDN'T, ACTUALLY!
THERE'S HOUSES GETTIN' BURNED DOWN AND SHIT!
YEAH, AND WHY IS THAT HAPPENIN'?
'CAUSE YOU MADE A FUCKIN' DEAL WITHOUT A LUNATIC
AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK US!
YOU KNOW WHAT I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF,
BECAUSE I'M FUCKIN' DONE WITH SWEARNET...
OH, COME ON!
...AND I'M FUCKIN' DONE WITH YOU!
- JAPE! - THANK YOU!
FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, MIKE? GOD!
WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT.
I HOPE SO.
FUCKING LYING PIECE OF SHIT!
OH, HERE YOU GO.
IS THIS WHY YOU NEVER CAME HOME LAST NIGHT, HUH?
BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING THIS BITCH?!
YOU FUCKING SLUT! YOU'RE NOT EVEN HOT,
AND YOU'RE VERY SHORT.
YOU BETTER BACK THE FUCK UP
WITH THOSE TOO-CLOSE TOGETHER-FUCKING EYES,
YOU CRAZY CUNT!
AND PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON!
I DIDN'T FUCKING CHEAT ON YOU, OKAY?!
SHE LIKES MIKE ANYWAY!
WHAT?!
NO, I DON'T.
LOOK, I DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT,
'CAUSE MIKE ACCIDENTALLY GAVE ME ACID.
HE THOUGHT IT WAS LIQUID CODEINE.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
WELL, I ACCIDENTALLY SUCKED
SEBASTIAN BACH'S COCK AGAIN LAST NIGHT!
OH MY GOD.
OOPS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS PERFECT.
I'M GLAD YOU CHEATED ON ME.
BUT I DIDN'T CHEAT ON YOU.
HOW COULD YOU SUCK HIS COCK AGAIN
AFTER ALL WE WENT THROUGH THE FIRST TIME?
MAYBE YOU SHOULDA ANSWERED
YOUR FUCKING PHONE WHEN I CALLED YOU!
JP SMASHED MY FUCKIN' PHONE! BULL SHIT!
THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T ANSWER IT!
YOU CAN KEEP THE PIECE OF SHIT HOUSE.
I'M TAKING EVERYTHING ELSE.
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M GOING ON TOUR
WITH SEBASTIAN AND HIS BEAUTIFUL...
NO.
BREATHTAKING COCK.
HAVE A NICE LIFE WITH YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS,
YOU FUCKING LOSER!
JULIE, DON'T, PLEASE!
- SUCK IT FOR ME! - FUCK YOU, MIKE!
YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH!
THANKS, MAN!
ROBB, COME ON, MAN, DON'T FUCKIN' QUIT ON ME PLEASE!
I CAN'T FUCKIN' DO THIS ON MY OWN, MAN.
WHAT A CORN DOG, MAN?
ROBB, IT'S NEVER AS BAD AS YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE, MAN!
GOOD EVENING, I'M BJ WILSON,
WITH A CNT BREAKING NEWS UPDATE.
THE FORMER TRAILER PARK BOYS
ARE MAKING HEADLINES AGAIN THIS AFTERNOON.
AFTER THEIR INTERNET-BASED NETWORK, SWEARNET,
WAS SLAPPED WITH FOURTEEN LAW SUITS
TOTALLING 4.5 MILLION DOLLARS.
MIKE SMITH, ROBB WELLS, JP TREMBLAY AND PATRICK ROACH,
A.K.A. SWEARMAN, ARE ALL NAMED ON THE LAW SUITS,
NONE OF WHOM COULD BE REACHED FOR COMMENTS,
BUT I THINK IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME
THIS SPELLS THE END FOR SWEARNET.
UP NEXT, LOCAL RELIGIOUS SECT...
FUCK YOU, YOU COCKSUCKERS.
RELIGION OR-
I JUST WANTED EVERYBODY TO KNOW THAT ROBB AND JP
PROBABLY WON'T BE ON SWEARNET ANYMORE
BECAUSE I FUCKING RUINED BOTH OF THEIR LIVES.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO, BUT I DID.
I'M FUCKIN' SORRY.
ALL I WANTED WAS FOR THE THREE OF US
TO BE ABLE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH
AND NOT BE FUCKIN' CENSORED,
AND IT ALL WENT TO SHIT.
JAPE, IF YOU'RE WATCHIN' THIS, MAN,
I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU, BROTHER.
I'M GOIN' DOWN TO THE FUCKIN' TARGA OFFICE IN THE MORNING
AND I AM GONNA TELL PUSSY-EYE
THAT HE HAS TO LET YOU AND YOUR DAD CROSS THAT FINISH LINE,
AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
I'M GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN, BROTHER.
I DON'T CARE. I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU BOTH, MAN. YOU'RE BOTH MY FUCKIN' BROTHERS
AND I WILL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I HAVE TO DO
TO MAKE THIS SHIT HAPPEN, MAN.
I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU GUYS.
I REALLY FUCKIN' LOVE YOU GUYS.
I LOVE YOU BOTH, MAN, I LOVE YOU BOTH.
YOU'RE MY BROTHERS!
JAPE, I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU, MAN. I LOVE YOU, MAN.
¶¶
¶ Hold on tight to what you believe in ¶
¶ Hold on to whatever you need ¶
¶ Oh yeah ¶
¶ Step inside the sweet illusion ¶
¶ Of another life ¶
¶ Of another time ¶
¶ Here it's enough to be well meaning ¶
¶ And if you crash your plane you can try it again ¶
¶ Oh yeah ¶
LET THEM FUCKIN' RACE!
FUCK.
THESE ARE ALL SWEARNET FANS.
- LET THEM FUCKIN' RACE! - LET THEM FUCKIN' RACE!
- COME ON! - GET OUTTA HERE!
GET OUTTA THE WAY!
- DOUFUS, YOU FUCKIN' CUNT! - PUSSY EYE!
COME ON, GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YA?!
- YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! - EXCUSE ME, PLEASE, EXCUSE ME!
GET HIM INSIDE!
- EXCUSE ME! TRIGGER! - TRIGGER, COME WITH ME!
COME TO THE OFFICE!
HOLY FUCK YOU GUYS!
THANKS FOR COMIN' OUT! THIS IS FUCKIN' AMAZING!
I LOVE YOU, GUYS!
I'M GOIN' IN THERE TO GET THE BOYS BACK IN THE RACE!
I'M NOT GONNA TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!
SWEARNET.COM!
SWEARNET! SWEARNET! SWEARNET!
DO ANY OF YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THIS GOD DAMN SOUND?
I DO. HERE.
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING, 15,000 EMAILS.
IT HASN'T STOPPED YET!
EVERYBODY'S CALLING ME PUSSY EYE.
AW, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, 20,000 EMAILS NOW!
WELL, CAN YOU IMAGINE IF WE FLIP THIS AROUND
AND ACTUALLY GOT SWEARNET BEHIND THE FUCKIN' RACE.
LET ME MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR.
THERE'S NOTHIN' YOU CAN SAY
THAT'S GONNA GET ME TO CHANGE MY MIND.
THEY BROKE THE RULES!
LOOK, TRIGGER,
ALL JP WANTS IS TO DO IS CROSS THE FUCKIN' FINISH LINE
WITH HIS DAD NEXT TO HIM.
COME ON!
THESE GUYS ARE MY FUCKIN' FAMILY.
I WOULD TAKE FUCKING BULLET IN THE FACE FOR THEM.
JEEZ, YOU'D DO ANYTHING FOR THEM BOYS, WOULDN'T YOU?
YEAH. ANYTHING.
¶ Think I'm gonna stay for a while ¶
¶ Just to beg for a whisper and a smile ¶
¶ 'Cause I'm in love with your face and style ¶
HEY, COME ON IN!
UH, ROBB, ARE YOU HERE?
HEY. EXCUSE THE MESS.
I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO CLEAN UP.
HEY, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT.
WOW!
QUITE A FUCKIN' THING.
I MEAN, NOT A FUCKIN' THING. IT'S A FUCKED UP THING.
OH, I MEAN, THAT PART THERE IS A FUCKING THING I GUESS BUT...
LOOK, ROB, JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I LIKE YOU, NOT MIKE.
REALLY? I WAS SURE YOU LIKED MIKE
AND I SEE THE WAY HE LOOKS AT YA,
AND A LOT OF WOMEN FIND HIM IRRESISTIBLE
AND THAT SORT OF STUFF.
I JUST ASSUMED YOU PROBABLY LIKE HIM NOT ME-
WOW, I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.
OR THAT.
THAT'S FUCKIN' HILARIOUS!
WHAT'S GOING ON, YOU HUNGARIAN FUCK TANKER?
WHAT?
HOW'D HE GET YOU BACK IN THE RACE?
OH FUCK.
WHO THE FUCK'S PIECE OF SHIT CAR IS THAT?!
OH! WELL IF IT ISN'T THE HAPPY COUPLE!
YAY!
I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING FIGHT, JULIE, OKAY?
FIGHT?
WHAT? YOU DON'T FIGHT, ROB.
YOU STAND THERE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH
AND TAKE WHATEVER I GIVE YOU!
YOU'RE A FUCKIN' PUSSY!
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW ANYWAYS NOW,
BECAUSE I HAVE A REAL MAN AND HE HAS HIS OWN TOUR BUS!
GOOD FOR YOU. GO GET ON THE TOUR BUS.
I FORGOT MY PASSPORT, WHICH I NEED
BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND, WHO IS WAY MORE FAMOUS
AND GLORIOUSLY BIGGER THAN YOU BY THE WAY,
IS TAKING ME ON AN AROUND THE WORLD TOUR.
10 COUNTRIES,
2 MONTHS, ALL EXPENSES PAID.
WOO!
WHAT? OH FUCK! FUCK!
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, YOU CRAZY FUCKIN' BITCH!
GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
LOCO!
BITCH, READ MY ASS!
I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS.
DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.
- DO YOU FUCKIN' HEAR ME?! - COME ON! NO!
WAIT FOR ME! YOU FORGOT TO TAKE ME WITH YOU!
HEY, YOU CRAZY FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!
FUCK YOU! YOUR COCK'S NOT EVEN THAT BIG!
YOU COCKSUCKER!
HEY, SEBASTIAN!
GOT SOME GOOD NEWS, BUDDY!
OH YEAH, WHAT?
MIKE GOT YOU BACK IN THE RACE.
MIKE CAN EAT MY SHIT.
IF THAT'S TRULY WHAT YOU WANT I'LL DO IT, BUDDY.
IT WOULDN'T EVEN FUCKIN' PHASE ME AT THIS POINT.
HE REALLY TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM TODAY AT TRIGGER'S.
I DON'T KNOW HOW HE PULLED IT OFF,
BUT IT WAS AMAZING. IT WAS FUCKING MYTHICAL!
PAT, FUCKIN' RELAX.
I DID GET YOU BACK IN THE RACE.
LET ME GUESS,
SO YOU CAN SHOOT THE WHOLE FUCKIN' THING FOR SWEARNET.
JAPE, LOOK, I SWEAR TO FUCK THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT
IS YOU CROSSING THAT FINISH LINE WITH YOUR DAD.
THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO SHOOT. IF YOU'RE COOL WITH IT.
YOU BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S HUG IT OUT.
DON'T YOU EVER, EVER, FUCK ME OVER AGAIN!
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M WITH THE GUYS RIGHT NOW. I WILL LET THEM KNOW.
GUYS, I HAVE GREAT NEWS. ARE YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, MY BALLS GOT MASHED.
SO THE SPONSORS ARE GETTING THOUSANDS OF EMAILS
FROM PEOPLE WHO WANNA SEE YOU GUYS FINISH THE RACE.
YOU SHUT YOUR SEXY LITTLE MOUTH! ARE YOU SERIOUS?
HAPPY?!
THAT IS AWESOME.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?
- WHAT? - YOU FUCKER.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, MAN?
YOU WANNA FUCKIN' FINISH THIS THING OR WHAT?
LET'S WIN THIS FUCKIN' RACE.
FUCKIN' RIGHT ON, BOYS.
SWEARMAN, I'LL GO GRAB YOUR FUCKIN' SUIT.
BOYS, MEET ME DOWN AT THE TRACK.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' THERE?
'CAUSE THAT WOULDN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING TO FIX THE CAR.
IT JUST LOOKS STUPID.
JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST, I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW
YOU FUCKING PSYCHOTIC PRICK!
FUCK OFF, PINCHBECK!
SATAN'S CLIT!
GOOD MORNING, MR. SMITH.
MR. SMITH,
CURIOUS AS TO WHY YOU REFUSE TO RETURN MY CALLS.
WOULDN'T YOU AGREE IT WOULD BE RATHER UNFORTUNATE
IF YOU WERE ALL TO MISPLACE, SAY, WELL, YOUR FEET?
OKAY, I'M STARTIN' TO UNDERSTAND
YOUR CRYPTIC FUCKIN' LINGO A LITTLE BETTER HERE.
CLEARLY YOU JUST SAID THAT LOGI'S GONNA
CHOP OUR FUCKIN' FEET OFF, CORRECT?
WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO HERE TO END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL?
ALL RIGHT, MR. SMITH,
$100,000 AND LOGI AND I GET OUR VERY OWN SHOW ON SWEARNET
AND WE'LL CALL IT EVEN.
ARE YOU FUCKIN' INSANE?! $100,000 TO PAY OFF 20 GRAND?!
THAT OUGHTA KEEP A BOUNCE IN YOUR STEP.
MORE CRYPTIC SHIT.
HEY, TOM, CARROT!
OH GREAT, THE GUY WHO FUCKED UP
THE WHOLE WEEKEND FOR EVERYBODY.
YEAH, LISTEN, LOOK, MAN,
I KNOW YOU DON'T FUCKIN' OWE ME ANYTHING
OR PROBABLY EVEN GIVE A FUCK, BUT-
NO, WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
I GOT ME AND THE BOYS INTO A REALLY FUCKED UP SITUATION
AND I NEED YOUR HELP.
I'M NOT HANDING OUT KEY CHAINS ANYMORE.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S GOT NOTHIN'-
NO, NO, IT'S GOT NOTHIN' TO DO WITH KEY CHAINS.
LOOK, WE'RE GONNA GET FUCKIN' OUR FEET CUT OFF
BY THIS PSYCHOPATH WE OWE MONEY TO.
YOU GUYS ARE TWO HUGE HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES
AND MAYBE THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT CAN FUCKIN' HELP ME HERE
WITH WHAT I NEED TO DO.
DID YOU SAY FEET?
NOW THIS THIRD TURN HERE WE'RE FUCKED.
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THIRD FUCKIN' TURN, MAN.
- HOW'S YOUR DAD DOIN'? - IS HE READY?
HE'S ALL READY, MAN,
I SHOULD HAVE GOT HIM A SWEARNET SUIT, MAN.
- HE LOOKS GREAT. - HE LOOKS OKAY.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT A HARD ON.
HEY, JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU BOYS GOOD LUCK OUT THERE TODAY.
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? - THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR LETTING US BACK IN THE RACE.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT, SIR.
THANKS SO MUCH, TRIGGER.
WELL, DON'T THANK ME, THANK YOUR BUDDY.
HE STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE
BIG TIME FOR YOU BOYS, BIG TIME.
WHAT THE FUCK DID HE MEAN BY THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
¶¶
HOW THE FUCK DO THESE THINGS WORK?
IS JP COOL WITH THIS?
YES, IT'S FINE.
LOOK, WHEN I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL
PULL THE FUCKIN' THING ONTO THE ROAD TO BLOCK THEM,
THEY'RE GONNA BE PISSED OFF SO FUCK WITH THEM A BIT,
AND THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
AND JUST LET THEM FINISH THE RACE.
IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE TO REHEARSE THIS ONCE.
JESUS CHRIST. FOUR FUCKIN' CELEBRITIES
SCREAMING THEIR HEADS OFF AT EACH OTHER
CAUGHT ON CAMERA?
CELEBRITIES REHEARSE.
YEAH, WELL, FUCK.
PROS REHEARSE. WE'RE FROM HOLLYWOOD.
CHECK, CHECK, ONE TWO.
WE REHEARSE IN HOLLYWOOD.
I UNDERSTAND YOU FUCKIN' REHEARSE.
WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO REHEARSE.
PROS REHEARSE. PROS REHEARSE.
WE'RE FROM HOLLYWOOD.
IT'S WORKING.
THEY'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, MAN.
THAT'S FUCKIN' REHEARSAL RIGHT THERE, DUDE.
- CHECK IT OUT. - SEE IT?
I SAW IT. YES, IT'S...
JUST LIKE THAT, SEE?
YEAH, BUT CAN YOU FUCKIN' FOCUS ON WHAT WE'RE DOIN' HERE?
PULL THE FUCKIN' TRUCK OUT AND BLOCK THEM.
WE GET ONE SHOT AT THIS, MAKE IT REAL,
FUCK WITH THEM. SWEARMAN.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
FUCKIN' GO, MAN!
THERE'S THAT COCKY LITTLE SLUT IN THE FUCKIN' YELLOW CAR!
LET'S CATCH HIM!
YEAH, PUNCH IT, PUNCH IT!
FUCKHEADS!
RIGHT ON, MAN!
THAT'S THE LEAD CAR!
WE PASS HIM WE'RE IN FIRST FUCKIN' PLACE!
HE'S OURS, BUDDY.
NICE, TAKE HIM ON THE OUTSIDE! TAKE HIM ON THE OUTSIDE!
HE'S BLOCKIN' ME! HE'S BLOCKIN' ME!
THEN TAKE HIM ON THE INSIDE!
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
FIRST PLACE! FIRST FUCKIN' PLACE!
WOO!
WAY TO FUCKIN' DRIVE IT, MAN!
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, DAD?
- SQUIRREL.
SMITH, YOU CAN'T FUCKIN' DO THIS!
THIS IS FUCKIN' CRAZY!
I'VE GOT NO FUCKIN' CHOICE!
WE HAVE TO SELL SUBSCRIPTIONS
OR WE'RE ALL GETTIN' OUR FUCKING FEET CUT OFF,
YOU INCLUDED!
JAMIE SAID THAT IF THEY WIN THE SPONSORS'LL GET ON BOARD!
SURELY TO FUCK THAT'S ENOUGH MONEY
TO PAY THAT PINCHBECK GUY THE FUCK OFF!
MAYBE! I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW,
BUT THIS IS GONNA GUARANTEE IT IF THEY DON'T WIN!
I'M SORRY. GUYS, GET INTO CHARACTER.
IT'S ALMOST SHOW TIME.
PULL THAT. PULL THE HORN.
- NOW WE'RE IN CHARACTER. - HOW'S THAT, HUH?
NOW WE'RE IN CHARACTER, MOTHER FUCKER!
YOU FUCKIN' LISTEN TO ME, SMITH, THEY'RE FUCKIN' WINNING!
PAT, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!
YOU BETTER MAKE THE FUCKIN' TIME,
'CAUSE IF YOU FUCK THIS UP
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE THOSE GUYS FOREVER!
SWEARMAN NEEDS HIS FUCKIN' FRIENDS!
ALL RIGHT, MAN, CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT.
GUYS, FORGET IT.
WE'RE GOIN' DOWN TO THE FINISH LINE.
WHEN WE MADE "FREDDY GOT FINGERED" WE REHEARSED.
CARROT TOP THAT WAS A GOOD- YOU WERE IN THAT?
YEAH, I MADE- I DIRECTED THAT.
I DIRECTED THAT AND I REQUIRED REHEARSAL.
WE'RE GOING TO THE FINISH LINE.
FUCKIN' FORGET THE WHOLE THING!
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
- WHAT'D YOU SAY? - I SAID WE'RE-
NO, I SAID WE'RE- WHAT'D YOU SAY?
REPEAT. REPEAT. REPEAT.
TAKE YOUR FINGER OFF THE FUCKIN' BUTTON,
YOU DUMBASS!
HAIRPIN RIGHT AT 200 METRES!
100 METRES! HAIRPIN RIGHT!
GOOD JOB, BUDDY!
STRAIGHT SHOOT ACROSS THE BRIDGE TO THE FINISH!
RIGHT ON, MAN!
- PUNCH UP! - WOO!
- HERE THEY COME! - HERE THEY COME!
- AXEL FUCK! - IT GOT IT!
OKAY, GO! GO!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN'?!
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
UH OH, BIG FUCK UP.
OH, MY FUCKIN' GOD!
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
THEY'RE OKAY, BUDDY, THEY'RE OKAY.
FIRE THAT UP. FOLLOW THE PUCK.
ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS?!
IF WE DON'T SHOOT THIS WE'VE GOT FUCKIN' NOTHIN'!
GET SHOOTIN'!
I DIDN'T HEAR HIM SAY CUT.
FUCK YEAH, LET'S DO IT!
STUPID FUCKTARDS!
THERE'S A FUCKIN' RACE GOING ON!
YEAH, WE WERE WINNIN' FOR FUCK SAKES!
TOM, I'M A BIG FAN.
I DON'T WANT TO FUCKIN' HURT YOU.
SHOULDA HAD A REHEARSAL, MAN!
HOLY SHIT, YOU FUCKIN' CONNECTED!
YOU'RE FUCKIN' DEAD!
ARE WE PLAYING OR IS THIS FOR REAL?!
OH THIS IS FOR REAL, GINGER!
- NOT THE HAIR!
FUCK, YOU WANT TO PLAY, SWAYZE, LET'S DO IT!
YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY!
HUH?
OH, YOU FUCKER!
THIS IS A REAL FUCKIN' FIGHT BETWEEN TOM GREEN, CARROT TOP,
ROB WELLS AND JOHN PAUL TREMBLAY!
THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT YOU'LL SEE ON SWEARNET.COM.
FIVE BUCKS A MONTH!
- FUCK YOU! - COME ON, MOTHERFUCKER!
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT!
FUCK YOU!
YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH ME?!
FUCKIN' BITCH SLAP.
FUCK!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
DIE, YOU FUCKER!
THIS IS JP'S DAD, YOU HOLLYWOOD FUCKER!
- I'M GONNA KILL YOU! KILL YOU! - KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
FUCK!
JESUS CHRIST!
MIKE, WILL YOU YELL FUCKIN' CUT
BEFORE SOMEONE GETS FUCKIN' KILLED!
SMITH SET THIS UP?!
SMITH!
YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
JAPE, THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN LIKE THIS, MAN.
I SWEAR TO FUCK!
BULL FUCKIN' SHIT!
I CAN'T FUCKIN' BELIEVE YOU DID THIS, MAN!
WE COULDA FUCKIN' DIED!
YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO CRASH!
I CALLED THE FUCKIN'S THING OFF AND THEY PULLED OUT ANYWAY!
FUCKIN' BULLSHIT!
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LOSE THE RACE, MAN.
I JUST THOUGHT I COULD GET US OUT OF THIS SITUATION
WITH PINCHBECK IN CASE YOU GUY'S LOST.
I JUST THOUGHT I COULD CREATE A SPECTACLE.
YOU'RE FUCKED!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN'?
IS THIS FUCKIN' SPECTACLE ENOUGH?!
PUT THE FUCKIN' ROCK DOWN!
JAPE, DON'T DO THAT, MAN!
YOU NEVER GAVE A FUCK ABOUT US!
THAT'S A BIG ROCK.
WHERE WAS THAT WHEN I NEED IT?
ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS FUCKIN' SWEARNET AND YOURSELF, MAN!
PUT THE FUCKIN' ROCK DOWN, MAN.
PUT THE FUCKIN' ROCK DOWN!
GODDAMN IT!
- JAPE! JAPE! - YOU WANT A SPECTACLE?!
JAPE, HE FUCKIN' CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOUR DAD.
I'VE GOT PROOF!
PAT, NO, MAN, DON'T! PAT!
HE'S GOTTA SEE THIS!
I'M GONNA FUCKIN' SHOW HIM! FUCK OFF!
- PAT, FUCK OFF! PAT! - JAPE, LOOK AT THIS!
EVERYTHING'S CONTENTS SMITH.
I CAN'T FUCKIN' DO THIS, PAT!
- AW, PULL THAT TRIGGER, BOY! - BULLETS ARE GONNA FLY!
YOU DO IT EVERYDAY!
TO ME! NOT TO FUCKIN' OTHER PEOPLE!
JESUS CHRIST, JP!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
THIS IS FOR YOU, MAN.
- OW! OW! OW! - TOO DRY! TOO DRY!
- LUBE IT UP GOOD, SMITH! - LUBE IT UP GOOD!
WEE HAW!
- KEEP THE RHYTHM GOING! - THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO, BOYS!
- STOP FILMING ME! - STOP FUCKIN' FILMING ME!
I THINK HE'S GONNA CUM, BUD!
I KNOW!
AH!
AW, FUCK!
WOO WEE!
OH FUCK!
YOU TOOK A LOAD IN THE FACE FOR ME?
FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, SMITH.
I HAD NO FUCKIN' CHOICE.
THAT'S HOW I GOT YOU BACK IN THE RACE.
YOU JERKED OFF AN OLD MAN?
I JERKED HIM OFF FOR YOU.
I JERKED HIM OFF FOR HIM, MAN.
HE FUCKIN' SHOT A LOAD AT ME, MAN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE?
I DO. IT'S FUCKIN' HORRIBLE.
I'M SORRY I FUCKIN' HIT YOU SO HARD, MAN.
YOU GUYS ARE FUCKED!
BUT THIS HAS BEEN FANTASTIC. THANKS FOR HAVIN' US.
SERIOUSLY.
JAPE, COME HERE, MAN.
OH DAMN, DID YOU GET IT IN YOUR EYE?
THAT ALWAYS SUCKS.
LOOK, MAN, YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO WIN,
BUT THAT'S THE FINISH LINE RIGHT THERE.
COME ON, MAN, TAKE YOUR DAD, CROSS THAT MOTHERFUCKER
SO THAT I DIDN'T JUST JERK OFF A MAN FOR NO REASON.
- COME ON, MAN, WE CAN DO THIS. - LET'S MAKE THIS FUCKER PROUD!
LET'S DO IT!
PAT, FIRE THAT FUCKIN' THING UP!
THIS IS OUR VIRAL VIDEO! THIS IS FUCKIN' SWEARNET!
THIS WAS A WEIRD DAY.
NO SHIT.
HE DID TAKE A LOAD TO THE FACE.
FUCK.
YOU FUCKIN' DID IT, MAN.
VERY IMPRESSIVE BUSINESS MODEL INDEED, MR. SMITH.
ONE THAT LETS YOU ALL RETAIN YOUR FEET.
YEAH!
WE DID IT, DAD!
WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
WE DID IT, BABE!
DON'T MOVE YOUR FUCKIN' LEGS, MAN, THEY'RE FUCKED!
I CAN'T FEEL MY FUCKIN' LEGS!
WALK IT OFF, BUDDY!
DON'T BE A PUSSY! GET UP! YOU CAN DO IT!
¶¶
THANKS FOR WATCHING, EVERYBODY, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT...
NO-NO-NO-NO SIT THE FUCK DOWN. GET THE FUCK BACK IN YOUR SEATS, YOU IDIOTS.
THE MOVIE'S OVER, SMITH, YOU CAN STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE NOW.
THE MOVIE'S NOT FUCKIN' OVER, THE CREDITS ARE ON.
WE DON'T HAVE TO CALL THEM A FUCKIN' IDIOTS. I MEAN, THEY
SEE THE CREDITS, THEY PROBABLY WANNA LEAVE AND GO HAVE A DRINK OR SMOKE A JOINT.
BUT THE MOVIE'S NOT FUCKIN' OVER. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU
GET UP AND LEAVE AFTER PAYIN' FUCKIN' MONEY?
WHO WATCHES THE FUCKIN' THERE'S MORE SHIT COMING UP, FOR FUCK SAKES.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A GOOD POINT, IT'S NOT 1995, I MEAN,
PEOPLE ARE BEING A LITTLE DUMB HERE.DUMB HERE.
YOU FUCKIN' PUT THINGS IN THE CREDITS. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO NOW, IT'S THE STANDARD.
- OH, THAT'S REAL COOL MAN. - FUCKIN' ORIGINAL IDEA...
AH, FUCKIN' BLOW ME YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.
WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY COCK SMITH, YOU FUCKIN' DICK
- FUCK YOU! - WHEN'S THIS COMIN' ON?
IT'S COMIN' ON SHUT THE FUCK UP
I'M THE FUCK OUTTA HERE ME TOO
OH MY... FUCK!
I DON'T KNOW BOYS, DO YOU THINK MAYBE WE'RE LOW BALLING
THEM ON THIS CONTRACT? I MEAN DON'T THESE GUYS CARRY GUNS?
WE'RE NOT LOW BALLING THEM. EIGHTY-FIVE GRAND A YEAR
IS MORE MONEY THEN THEY'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.
EVEN IF WE HAVE TO GO TO A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS
WHO GIVES A FUCK? -YEAH I GUESS.
OH LOOK AT THE BIG, RICH, FANCY FUCKIN' ROOM, I'M SO IMPRESSED.
RICKY, FUCK OFF!
HAVE A SEAT BOYS.
JUST 'CUZ YOU GUYS THINK YOU OWN ME DOESN'T MEAN
YOU CAN FUCKIN' BOSS ME AROUND TELL ME TO SIT DOWN.
RICKY THEY'RE TRYING TO BE NICE TO US, JUST SIT THE FUCK DOWN, OKAY?
YEAH GUYS LOOK, THANKS FOR COMING IN. WE DON'T WANT THERE TO BE
ANY WEIRDNESS HERE, I MEAN WE BOUGHT YOU OFF YOUR-YOUR LAST OWNERS
AND WE'RE HOPING WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT TO HAVE THE CAMERAS
FOLLOW YOU AROUND AGAIN, TAKE A LOOK.
I'LL TAKE THAT. I'M IN CHARGE OF MY OWN FUCKING
DESTINATION FROM NOW ON.
SO THIS IS A STRAIGHT UP MONEY OFFER OR WHAT KIND OF
FUCKING PERKS ARE WE TALKIN' ABOUT HERE?
IT'S A GOOD POINT JULIAN. YES GENTLEMEN,
WHAT ARE THE PERKS OF THE DEAL?
ACTUALLY THERE'S SOME REALLY FUCKING COOL PERKS GUYS.
JULIAN YOU'RE A HEAVY DRINKER, HOW'D YOU FEEL ABOUT
BEING THE SPOKESMAN FOR "LIQUORMAN'S OLD DIRTY CANADIAN WHISKEY"?
ALL THE FREE WHISKEY YOU CAN DRINK.
WHOA!
WHAT?
I'M A BIT OF A RUM MAN BUT IF THE WHISKEY'S FREE FUCK IT, I'LL TRY IT OUT.
THAT'S A FUCKING GREAT PERK FOR JULIAN BUT I WAS ACTUALLY MORE
INTERESTED IN HOW BUBBLES WOULD BE BENEFITING IN THE PERKS DEPARTMENT.
WELL BUBBLES I HEARD YOU WERE A TEQUILA MAN, IS THAT TRUE?
AH FUCK I'LL SUCK AN APE COCK FOR A FUCKIN' NICE SNAP OF TEQUILA.
WELL HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE THE SPOKESPERSON FOR "BALD PUSSY TEQUILA"?
WHAT? HOLY FUCK BOYS! IT'S MY FAVOURITE KIND! THE ONE WITH THE KITTY ON THE LABEL.
RIGHT ON BUBS!
SPOKESMAN!!
WELL WHAT ABOUT FUCKING ME? ANYTHING FOR ME?
WE KNOW YOU'RE A HEAVY SMOKER SO WE SET UP A DEAL WITH "50 CIGARETTES"
FOR YOU TO BE THE INTERNATIONAL SPOKESMAN.
FREE CIGARETTES, BUD.
NO FUCKIN' WAY!!! I LOVE THESE SHORT LITTLE FUCKIN' THINGS.
IT FEELS LIKE THERE'S ALMOST TWICE AS MANY IN A PACK!
WELL THERE IS, THERE'S FIFTY OF THEM.
WELL LOOK THIS IS ALL FINE AND CANDY BUT SERIOUSLY
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PART IN HERE THAT TELLS US HOW MUCH
WE'RE GOING TO GET PAID TO LET THOSE CAMERA DICKS FOLLOW US AROUND AGAIN, HUH?
IT'S AH RIGHT ON THE LAST PAGE, THE BIG BOLD NUMBER THERE WITH THE ZEROS.
EIGHT-FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?
NO IT'S...
DONE DONE
GIVE ME THIS.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!
RICKY WHAT THE FUCK?
NO I KNOW HOW THIS FUCKING GAME WORKS. WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, STUPID?
RICKY DO NOT FUCKIN' BLOW THIS!!
I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING BLOW THIS. THESE DICKS ARE WILLING TO PAY
EIGHTY-FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS, YOU'LL PAY NINE GRAND.
HMM, EIGHTY-FIVE HUNDRED'S FINE.
AH FUCK, YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN RICKY BUT AH NINE GRAND...
I THINK WE COULD-I THINK WE COULD PUSH IT TO NINE GRAND BOYS.
YES, YES! SEE THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING NEGOTIALATE BOYS.
HAHAHAHA! HOLY FUCK!
NICE WORK BOYS.
THANKS A LOT FELLAS.
CHEERS GUYS.
BOYS, HOLY FUCK THOSE GUYS ARE STUPID. NINE FUCKING GRAND!!
NINE FUCKING GRAND RICKY. YES!!!
HOLY FUCK THOSE GUYS ARE STUPID. NINE GRAND.
NINE GRAND!
WOW
HOLY FUCK BOYS!
YES BOYS, YES!
MY BALLS ARE BOUNCING!
BOYS THAT SEEMED TOO FUCKING EASY!
THAT'S SOME GOOD FUCKING MONEY. I THINK WE SHOULD SELL SMOKE EVERY...
I NEVER HAD THIS MUCH MONEY IN MY LIFE.
LET'S SMOKE A CELEBRATORYTATION...
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS?
WHAT THE FUCK?
SWEARNET CREW.
WHAT?
WELL WE JUST GOT WORD YOU GUYS SIGNED THAT CONTRACT.
WE'RE-WE'RE HERE TO FOLLOW YA.
YEAH WE SIGNED A FUCKING CONTRACT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE HERE TO
FOLLOW US NOW?! I THOUGHT WE WERE SHOOTING A TV SERIES.
SIGNED IT TO MAKE A TV SHOW, DIDN'T WE?
NO, NO IT SAYS 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK BOYS.
RICKY WHAT DID THE FUCKING THING SAY? DID YOU NOT READ?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I DIDN'T REALLY READ IT. YOU GUYS GRABBED IT OUT OF MY FUCKING HAND,
EIGHTY-FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS, DONE, DONE.
YOU GRABBED IT FROM MY FUCKING HANDS!!
RICKY THIS IS...
THIS IS FUCKING...YOU GUYS AREN'T FUCKING FOLLOWING ME AROUND 24 HOURS...
WOULD YOU LET GO OF ME.
RICKY, RICKY!!
OH FUCK RICKY, YOU KNOCKED HIM OUT!
NICE GOING RICK.
OH FUCK. WELL BOYS I CAN'T BE FOLLOWED AROUND 24 HOURS DAY.
THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!
WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING SIGNED
THE FUCKING CONT... READ IT FIRST FOR FUCKS SAKES!!
BOYS LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! COME ON!